Sober and strapped for cash

Exams are over. The last thing a hard working (ha!) student needs is to find out that the chumps in Holyrood have jacked up the prices of alcohol to 50p a unit. Frankly the only thing that kept me going these last couple of weeks is the thought of an ice cold Biere Special, purchased with the final remnants of my student loan. If that has gone then I might as well just give up.

It’s pretty hard to stress how negatively this will affect the student experience. For a start, what will the increased price of alcohol mean for the next episode of #HDYGSD? Will the question become literal; ‘How did you get so drunk? Seriously, I’ve got a tenner left in my bank account and I’ve got no fucking idea’. #HDYGSDSIGATLIMBAAIGNFI for short. Will the footage only be of tweed wearing yahs, while the rest of us trolls sneak round Ma Bells polishing off the half-pints left by our social betters? Will people turn to hard drugs, and will regular viewers tune in to watch the StandTV film crew brave a Fife Park crack den?

Handily The Stand has made a chart detailing how much money this bill is going to cost us. Worst hit seems to be cider, with Tesco’s famous ‘Strong Dry Cider’ more than doubling in price. Yes, you read that correctly: doubling. Gone are the days when a student could buy a four-pack of the good stuff for less than two quid, and corrode their insides before stumbling into town. Bad luck to those of you who like having a braai on the beach, as Tesco’s South African wine increases by £1.13.

Still, if you want to ‘stick it to da man’, then you best read these tips of how to get around the outrageous price increase:

Home brew: Some of my best memories of first year were of my academic father’s famous home brew parties. Admittedly, I was originally upset by the fact that my dad cared more about the upbringing of his homemade brew than for his academic son, but on reflection it’s understandable considering the fact that I don’t produce 40 litres of lager after six weeks (trust me I’ve tried). This is a particularly good idea for those of you in a hall of residence with an empty room, as you can pretty much set up your own brewing factory. All you need is a large collective of custard pies and you can recreate the ‘speak easy’ from Bugsy Malone.

Stock up on booze beforehand: During the cold war people used to stockpile supplies in case nuclear Armageddon ever broke out. Well, the same logic applies here. Get down to your local store and buy enough alcohol to make Charlie Sheen feel like an angel. Alternatively, stock up in England before you come back to St Andrews in the autumn.

Gate crash house parties and steal their alcohol: Look, this measure only increases the price of cheap alcohol, and thus is going to shaft the poor, not the tweed wearing twerps who can actually afford to buy branded alcohol rather than imported European lager. That makes them fair game. It isn’t so much as stealing as it… erm, well ok it is stealing, but it’s only immoral if you get caught. 

However even with those tips, I really do fail to see what good this rise in prices will do for the student community, and even though the pigeon community must be breathing a sigh of relief, last time I checked I wasn’t a pigeon. Odds are, people will continue to pre-drink, as most of the pubs in the town still charge ridiculous prices for drinks (yes, this is a hint to lower them. The Union I’m looking at you – a pint of Tennents cost £1.50 when I joined). So yeah, pretty bad news all round. Probably not something you wanted to read just as we break up for the Summer. Sorry about that.

Photo: © Jessica Biggs of Lightbox St Andrews