Climate change in St Andrews

The recent results of the international climate conference in Durban, South Africa make it more and more probable that mankind will lose its fight against climate change, and so people are in fear of what will come.

Well, my frightened reader, I feel sorry to disappoint you but I do not share your feelings. Living in Scotland, the expectation of a warmer world is hardly what you would call an apocalypse.

Indeed, far from comparing it to a nuclear war or similar events that deserve to be called catastrophes, I must admit that I am looking forward to global warming. And dear fellow student, please don’t even try to pretend that you feel differently!

Certainly you are a member of two or three societies that aim to fight global warming, and of course you feel sorry for the people in Tanzania who will suffer from the climate change. But frankly, you know very well that the only changes these societies will ever make concern your liver, not the salvation of the world.

Don’t feel too sorry for a country whose correct pronunciation you still have to figure out (no, it is not Tansanah as Orlando told you).

No, deep inside you are happy about the prospect of a warmer world, and while you are loudly complaining about the United States and the impossibility to convince them to fight global warming, you are probably inwardly humming the triumphant melody of the Star Spangled Banner.

Not that I want to condemn this hypocritical attitude. Nevertheless, I prefer to be more honest and declare openly that global warming might very well be man’s best creation since the wheel.

It can be the beginning of a Golden Age for Scotland where the kilt would be the Hawaii shirt of the future: blowing in the breeze, the ultimate symbol of a sunny and relaxed place. Forget Mojitos and ukuleles, the future is about ale and bagpipes. I would actually consider changing the name of the beautiful town we live in from St Andrews to “Andy Beach”, which might add to the new Caribbean atmosphere.

So the advantages of global warming are plentiful, and St Andrews is already prepared: some time ago I realised that there are students who own five different Ray Ban sunglasses. You, my surprised reader, may call this number of sunglasses in Scotland senseless decadence, but I prefer to call it the future!

If I aim to be the prophet of this better future, the man who opened your eyes about this paradise, then I hope to be the proud founding member and first president of the St Andrews Water-Ski Club. I would tell the people that everybody can help to make this world a warmer place: visiting your neighbor in an SUV might be just a very short drive for you, but a great leap for mankind!

So I already imagined myself water-skiing along the coast of Andy Beach while wearing a kilt and my seventh pair of Ray Bans. Whilst in the midst of this daydream of a better world, a friend informed me that the climate change would rather cause the gulf stream to change its direction, thus making the UK even colder.

Well, as they say, the dream was good while it lasted.

Written by Robert Rohland, standpoint writer