Stand up: Chris Ramsay Pt. 2

Part 2 of Joe Fleming‘s interview with Edinburgh Comedy Award nominated stand-up Chris Ramsey ahead of his show in Venue 1 on 23rd February. We pick up where we left off: with Joe’s list of ‘unusual’ questions.

 

JF: What would your specialist subject be on the quiz show ‘Mastermind’?

 

CR: This phone call.

 

JF: Considering that you’re Mr. Forgetful, it might not go terribly well for you.

 

CR: It depends on when I’m taking part. If I had to go on thirty seconds from now, I would pick my latest obsession, the TV series ‘Boardwalk Empire’. If the show’s another year away, I might choose something else. For instance, if you asked me a few weeks ago, I would’ve chosen ‘The Wire’. I’ve forgotten most of that now.

 

JF: If you were the lead character in one of the ‘Home Alone’ films, what household items would you use to stop the intruders?

 

CR: Probably just a bat or a knife, but I don’t think that it would be a particularly family friendly film if I stabbed them. Maybe a kettle of boiling hot water? Actually, I’d phone the fucking police! Why didn’t Macaulay Culkin do that in the first place?

 

JF: The film would’ve been a lot shorter. Perhaps he wasn’t allowed to make peak time phone calls before 5pm?

 

CR: If I were starring, it would be the shortest film ever. The burglars would discover that I live in a second floor apartment and then find it impossible to get through the main door, let alone my door. Then they’d walk off in defeat. That would be it.

 

JF: If a corrupt tabloid journalist hacked into your voicemail, what would they hear?

 

CR: That I was disconnected from my Mam, and that she was ringing me back at the same time that I was ringing her back. She didn’t know what was happening and got annoyed. Also, that my accountant has been trying to get me to contact him for ages. However, I avoid him like the plague because he’s the most boring man on earth.

 

JF: What do you miss most about Woolworths?

 

CR: The pick ‘n’ mix. They were like cinema sweets, but much cheaper. They were REALLY cheap in my town because everyone used to steal them.

 

JF: What opportunity have you turned down that you really shouldn’t have done?

 

CR: When I went to watch my mate support Stephen Merchant in Bradford, I turned down a few drinks afterwards because I was feeling a bit tired. I didn’t know that it was Stephen’s birthday and that he was going out too. I’ve always wanted to meet him, so I was devastated when I heard what I had missed out on.

 

JF: What do you think that the future holds for John Anderson, the referee from ‘Gladiators’?

 

CR: Are they not doing another series on Sky? If not, I reckon he could brighten up ‘Bargain Hunt’.

 

JF: Yes! To get to the Wedgwood china, the two teams have to complete a terrifying assault course with balance beams, a zip wire and a ridiculously exhausting travelator.

 

CR: Haha!

 

JF: Have you walked out of a film or live performance out of boredom or disgust?

 

CR: ‘Balls Of Fury’, a film about table tennis, which was a massively inferior version of ‘Dodgeball’. It was absolutely shit. It was boring, stupid and unfunny.

 

JF: Have you been cheated out of a snack by a vending machine malfunction?

 

CF: No. When I was younger, my mate knew a cheat that got us loads of free chocolate from our local leisure centre. We used to clear the machine every Friday night. You would put the money in, press the hash or star button, key in your choice, press the secret button again, and the bars would come out and out and out. Once I went home with seven or eight Twixes. It was incredible.

 

JF: Have you bounced on a trampoline as an adult?

 

CR: I don’t think I have. That’s really sad, isn’t it? I feel like part of my childhood has died. I might’ve used a little exercise one at someone’s house, but not a full-on, proper trampoline. I’m going to do that this afternoon. I’m off out to find one later.

 

OOH! I HAVE! I HAVE! The people who lived next to my Mam used to have a trampoline in her front garden on the main road. I was walking back with a mate after a night out and we clambered over and jumped on it. An angry bloke chased us down the street when he saw us from the window. That was when I was eighteen.

 

JF: I was looking at your Twitter page earlier and noticed that you went to IKEA this morning. I’m sure that they would’ve sold trampolines. You could always go back?

They’ll close at five o’clock.

 

CR: Do you think that they’ll sell trampolines?

 

JF: They sell everything else, don’t they? There must be some sort of flat pack.

 

CR: I don’t know. Their selection of blinds was atrocious. I’ll go to B&Q.

 

JF: On the subject of exercise, what would your debut fitness DVD be called?

 

CR: ‘You’re Alright The Way You Are’.

 

JF: It’s a commercially suicidal title.

 

CR: It would be proper nice, with me saying: “You’re alright. Just sit down. Have a cup of tea. Take this DVD out. Stick another film on. Look after yourself.” It would be the shortest one ever.

 

JF: Loads of observant people have had laws named after them. For example, Newton, Hubble, and Faraday. What would Ramsey’s law be?

 

CR: That you should always put the milk and the teabag into the cup first. Then you put the hot water in afterwards – no matter what anyone else says.

 

JF: How nervous are you in the company of geese?

 

CR: Not that nervous. Are swans technically the same as geese? I reckon that they’ve got an equal type of aggression. My cousin’s mate once swam to the middle of the pond in South Shields and grabbed a swan by its neck. It didn’t do anything. It just looked at him. Then he let loose and it ran off. So I’m not scared of them at all. If you grab them by the neck, you’ve won.

 

JF: Have you made any new friends since yesterday morning? If so, who?

 

CR: When I went shopping today, I had a good chat with the woman who sold me some blinds. I think that she’d get a bit freaked out if I went and asked to borrow a DVD, but I reckon she was a nice morning acquaintance.

 

[JF is secretly a bit sad that CR doesn’t recognise their blossoming relationship.]

 

JF: When did you last say the phrase: “Follow that car!”

 

CR: Haha! It’s in my show! Very nice.

 

JF: So every night in August? What a coincidence!

 

Next question – did you ever try on your parents’ clothes when you were little?

 

CR: Yeah. I always wanted a boiler suit because my dad used to wear them. He could never get one in my size, so I used to wear his massive one sometimes.

 

JF: What is your drunken party trick?

 

CR: You know what? I was saying this the other day. I don’t have a party trick. I’m really jealous when I see something amazing on YouTube or I meet someone who can beat box brilliantly or something like that. I can only be vaguely amusing for a little while.

 

JF: How often do you say the word “scrumptious”?

 

CR: I don’t think that I’ve used that for a while. I might bring that back.

 

JF: It’s one of my favourite words.

 

CR: It’s a lovely word. But if I said to someone “I’m thinking about going to that new pizza place. What’s it like?” and they replied “scrumptious”, I’d worry that they were winding me up and then wouldn’t bother going. I don’t want to find pubic hair on my Margherita.

 

JF: It’s a word that harks back to a more innocent age, certainly.

 

CR: We should make new friends and bounce on trampolines while shouting “scrumptious!”

 

JF: That sounds ideal.

 

What’s next for Chris Ramsey in the immediate short term, as in the next hour or so?

 

CR: I’m going to go back into the sitting room and finish ‘Kiss Of The Dragon’ – the Jet Li film that was on Sky. I started watching it last night, just as something to fall asleep to. I want to see what happens at the end.

 

JF: Is there anything else that you’d like to say before we go?

 

CR: Only that this was possibly the weirdest interview I’ve ever had. But it was refreshing and I’ve enjoyed it. If I had to review it, I’d say that it was “scrumptious.”

 

JF: Aww. Thanks very much! Are you just saying that to make me feel better?

 

CR: Yeah. Definitely.

 

JF: Well, I’m certainly looking forward to seeing you on the 23rd.

 

CR: I’ve never been to St Andrews before. It should be nice.

 

JF: Yes – it’s a lovely town. All the best, mate!

 

CR: Awesome. I might bring my golf clubs. Cheers!

 

JF: Superb. Bye!

 

CR: Tara!

 

The full recorded interview can be found on STAR.

Tickets for Chris Ramsey’s show, ‘Offermation’, can be bought online for just £5

 

 

 

Written by Joe Fleming, understand writer