How To Get With Your Housemates

Everyone thinks about it. Here’s how to do it:

The typical slim pickings on a Jesters Monday leave much to be desired, and as always you fall back to that housemate  who’s wearing those short shorts that show off those delightfully firm buttocks. The old mantra regarding shitting and eating stops ringing in your ears, and then the primal side takes over.

We here at the Tab ain’t here to judge – in fact, we’re here to help. You see, I’m in possession of an almost hundred percent hit rate with a housemate each year. There’s nothing I like more than to stroll down the corridor and pounce on my nearest and dearest without having to leave the relative comfort of my dressing gown – I regard any sexual experience that requires leaving the comfort of my bedroom/kitchen/lounge/staircase/washing machine as a total failure.

It’s also much more satisfying when you’re fully aware of what’ll enrage them, as hate sex knocks the socks (and the furnishings) off everything else. So, wanna get with that fitty in your flat? Look no further than here.

Dream scenario. Just get rid of the cameras (unless you’re into that).

The first step is to cultivate a love/hate relationship. It’s much easier to bed people when the dynamic bounces between varying intensities. Play with their emotions and they’ll probably be more inclined to play with your fun zone. Cook them dinner, and then play music loudly at 3 in the morning. Shit in their ensuite, and then write their essay for them. Every little bit of polarisation you can muster up will help.

Next, you need to frequently, and we’re talking AT LEAST twice a day here, joke about how “it’d be great…but we can’t”, or whip out the ever classic “I want to but I’m worried about what the others will think” line. The forbidden fruit is far more enticing. Dance near them in clubs, walk home together. This will also help get the rumour mill flying off its hinges and no doubt soon you’ll be talk of the block. The old “Ross and Rachel” cliche will never, ever get old and you’ll be in your housemate’s head wherever they go.

It kind of goes without saying that you need to be incredibly good looking, charismatic and possess chutzpah in boat loads. After all, it’s worked for me. A penis/rack the size and scale of the Hindenberg doesn’t hurt your chances either. Failure on these fronts is nothing to be ashamed about but you’ll need to work extra hard on the others in order to be successful in your quest. If you are ugly, consider going to the gym and getting absurdly big.

If you find yourself in this situation: well done.

Always be the shoulder to cry on. The friend-zone isn’t the brutal wasteland that the Internet decries it as, it’s an opportunity. Any individual that tells you otherwise is a monster. They know nothing and have just miserably failed in all their own pursuits and don’t want you to experience the happiness they crave. Collecting and collating all the data from their outbursts will only serve you well. Just don’t get TOO attached otherwise you’re potentially looking at a full-blown “emotional relationship” situation.

Once you’ve achieved total lust for each other’s genitals, you need to finish the job. Sometimes it’s as simple as getting with them on the dancefloor, subtlely guiding them out of the club, plopping them in a taxi, paying for it yourself, clumsily removing each others clothing and enjoying two minutes of passionless passion.

The other option is to wait until it’s just you two alone in the flat, having a deep chat in the kitchen over a cup of coffee, head back to your respective rooms, and then after five minutes re-emerging, knocking on their door and slowly working your magic.

Hopefully you’ll now have sex on tap for a while. This won’t be a one-hit-wonder; you’ll release a steady stream of respectable albums before the band splits due to creative differences. Chances are however, that the end will come and shit may literally hit the fan.

If you can sense the quake coming, it’s best to rally as many housemates under your banner as possible and begin to purge the once love and now disgust of your life from all house activities. It’s brutal but it is quite possibly a matter of life and death.