Dando's 4 TOP TIPS for Becoming a Better Person
It’s that time of year again when everyone who isn’t as perfect as me makes a promise to themselves to try to reach my level of perfection…with the usual result […]
It’s that time of year again when everyone who isn’t as perfect as me makes a promise to themselves to try to reach my level of perfection…with the usual result of failure! Being perfect, I reckon I am the most suited guru to tell you what resolutions you need to make, and how you can keep them.
1) Make Yourself Beautiful:
Not everyone is as blessed with Goddess-like features, but you can at least attempt to get them, if not for your sake, then for the sake of us who have to look at you. Everyone knows that you don’t look beautiful unless you can see the flesh, so ditch the jeans and buy yourself some short skirts in the sales – the shorter the better! I am living proof that guys love it when you show off your tits. Make sure that your make-up suits your new look (I gave a good low down of the look you should be going for here). Get your priorities straight- get out of Hartley and into the Jubilee Sports Centre, because if you’re not beautiful, you’re not going to bag yourself that rich hottie!
2) Bag a Rich Man:
Take note, there are two types of rich guys; those who are born into it and those who earn it. If you want a quick fix, go for a guy who was born into it. They are usually found in the food section of M&S (the only ones with their real teeth and without a free bus pass) before moving onto Hollister to buy themselves (and soon you) a new wardrobe every week. The best way to get them is to hang around the store; pick your guy and follow him round. He is bound to notice you, and with your new look, fall hook, line, and sinker.
If you’re in it for the long haul, then you might want to follow the smell of BO to the engineering department. The guys in there may be greasy, spotty, nerdy and lacking in any social skills, but these things can be rectified by you, and the payoffs from their future jobs are more than likely to act as compensation.
If you’ve already got a man, make sure you milk him dry, the Tab gave some fab tips last term!
3) Make Better Friends:
The likelihood is, your current friends just aren’t good enough. They probably aren’t very pretty, rich or influential so you should make it your mission of 2013 to make better friends in better places. I’d recommend you join the riding or polo club. Slap on the make-up and heels and bring your best bantah – this lot can be hard to please!
4) Have Better Sex:
It’s best if you can nab yourself a hot guy, but if not the winning trio of wine, a paper bag and a saucy trip to Ann Summers should do the trick. If you’re really lucky, and follow the above tips to the best of your ability, there’s even the possibility of bagging multiple guys, so if one doesn’t tickle your fancy, you can always just move on!
Follow these tips and next year you could be a better person – not as good as me, obviously, but nonetheless fitter, more popular, and less sex-deprived!
Your favourite Agony Aunt,