Every argument you will have with your housemates as a student
Sex, drugs, and arguments about the bins
Student houses have their own unique ecosystems. I'm not talking about the varying new subspecies' of insects or the rising damp that runs through the fabric of dilapidated terraced houses in student cities across the country, I'm talking about the finely balanced equilibrium of passive aggressiveness that comes with student accommodation.
Here are some certainties when it comes to living with other people at university:
– chances are you will live with some people, friends or not friends, and you will get on fine, and then you will not get on fine. This isn't the twentieth century anymore, we are not our parents, we will never live alone, we are broke, we must share our habitat with other broke people.
– chances are someone will do something that, yeah, is just a silly little thing in the first couple of months, but now is a full blown problem causing havoc in what is already a pretty tense situation where everyone is broke and will always be broke and no one wants to talk about it.
So, without further ado, here are all the arguments you will have with your housemates as a student.
Bins, for the love of God someone empty the bins
Bins are a blessing and a curse. Bins allow us to put all of our worthless rubbish – cans, pizza boxes, university degrees – in one place to be taken away with everyone else's shit. Yet there is a step in between the 'putting the rubbish in the rubbish bin' stage and 'the bin gets taken away' stage, and that is the 'putting the fucking bin out' stage.
No one wants to empty the bins, as signified by the ever growing, increasingly precarious pile of rubbish that's not even in the bin, it's like, on the bin. Someone has to take it out, everyone keeps saying it's not their turn, you've missed the bin collection day and the bin outside is too full to put anymore rubbish in, it smells, there's mould on the bin, there's bin juice everywhere, there's so much rubbish perched in, on, and around the bin that it wouldn't look out of place in a modern art gallery as a metaphor for littering.
Then one day one of you snaps and takes it out, and you message the chat and you say that you've taken the bin out and you categorically lie and say none of it was yours anyway, and next time you won't be taking it out. But you will, we all know you will.
Washing up, for the love of God someone do the washing up
Exactly the same beginning, no one wants to do the washing up; the same middle, the washing begins to stack up until there are no forks and you have to eat your ready meal from the plastic container with the fork hat no one wants to eat with for no reason other than it looks weird; the same end, in that you will crack and do the washing up, vowing never to do the washing up ever again, but we all know you will.
It all starts out fine, you're all getting along, the six of you, six people in a little terraced house that should only really fit four people, but the living room has been turned into a downstairs bedroom so that makes it alright for six people. Six people. One bathroom.
Then the balance is disrupted, a spanner in the works, a new Islander on Love Island, someone gets a new girlfriend/boyfriend and all of a sudden they're spending more and more time round at yours, they're always in the bathroom when you need it, they've practically moved in.
Like Inception, someone mentions they should contribute to the bills, and there the idea is formed, the inception of the argument, the foundations are set – you're going to fall out about bills.
Everyone is horny at university and this will cause tension.
A LIST OF WAYS HORNINESS CAUSES ARGUMENTS:
1. The new girlfriend/boyfriend moves in/bills argument, as above
2. Someone will have sex very loudly and you will become annoyed at this, thus causing tension.
3. Someone will go through a tough stage at university and begin to bring what seems to be an endless string of really tall boys in white t-shirt/check shirt combinations who all look identical, OR an endless string of girls in denim skirts called Laura. Fair play to them, but not when you just want to eat your breakfast without the looming awkward silence.
4. Someone in your house will secretly be in love with someone else in the house and this will escalate throughout the year, spilling over into everyone else's lives and inevitably causing arguments.
It's alright in September when you first move in; everyone's on board, you're all going out together, but now exams have crept up and even making a creak on the floor boards is too much noise for some people. "I HAVE AN EXAM IN THE MORNING, DAN, HOW DARE YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH AT 11:30PM"
Someone gets a new hobby and all of a sudden you're also involved with the hobby
You know how it is, Becky has decided to take up art and now there's loads of paint brushes on the side in the kitchen and everything in the house smells like paint and turps. You smell like paint and turps.
Or, Matt has taken up cycling and now you have to move his bike out of the way of the front door every time you leave the house, until one day you come home drunk and you knock his bike over and he starts telling you that you have to pay to fix the damage and that bike cost him £2000 – then you wonder, a) how did he afford that on student loan? and b) who the fuck is paying £2000 for a bike?
Or, Ben has taken up a musical instrument and you have to constantly listen to him try and play song after song from Arctic Monkeys' back catalogue and every other note is a bum note followed by a muffled "for fuck's sake" through the wall.
Or, Lisa has taken up ketamine and every time you walk into the living room she is there, on the floor, in a k-hole, whilst you eat your pasta.
There is one person obsessed with collecting bottles and they are the worst. You will trip over an empty bottle of BrewDog in the dark and you'll twist your ankle and fuck that person.
But aside from the bottles, the bins, the horniness, living with other people can be a life changing experience shared with friends, I mean you'll never forget that hilarious night you brought home that traffic cone!!! Council property!!! But like I say, get used to it, because we're all broke and we're all in this together.