Here’s what you can get for a tenner in Egham Essentials

If there’s something you didn’t know you needed, Egham Essentials is sure to sell it. Armed with my £10 budget, I ventured into the world of useless crap you’ll never use.

‘Essentials’ being used in the loosest sense of the word

I’ll be honest, I may have gotten slightly over-excited to begin with about the fact I was allowed to go into a shop and buy the most useless shit I could without the voice of Mother Bunce in my head asking me “do you really need it though?”

Yes, yes I do need it. It’s not called Egham Essentials for nothing.

Way too many choices for my little brain to handle

I didn’t quite manage to get 10 different items for my money but I think what I did end up with are truly essential items for any Egham resident.

Bird and dinosaur stickers

First of all, two packs for £2: absolute bargain! Why not brighten up your boring old essay, by using these stickers to put a smile on your lecturer’s face. I’m almost certain it classes as “academic style”. Where were these when I was making my creative portfolio?!

Pirate hook

I’m not really sure why. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Until I got home and realised it was already broken. Egham Essentials, never outdone on quality.

Fun tattoos

What could be more essential than brightening up your body with some childhood nostalgia? And they’re pirate-themed too so they go perfectly with my newly purchased hook. The packet suggests you give them to your friends, but who in their right mind would give something this cool away?

Didn’t really think it through and now i’m walking around with a pirate tattoo

Three rain hoods

Because one rain hood just isn’t enough. Being from the North, these are probably the most useful and essential item I bought. It rains a lot back home.

‘Hydro Storm Blaster’

Also known as a cheap tacky water pistol. Cheap and tacky it may be but it shoots surprisingly far. Not quite far enough to qualify as a hydro storm blaster but not bad for a quid.

Mini cheese grater

You could say this was “Edam fine purchase”. You could say that but I probably shouldn’t if I want to keep having friends. All the same, it’s surely a life necessity to have a cheese grater that’s barely big enough to grate a Babybel.

Fishing Net

This was a last minute find, hidden deep within the shop. You never know when you might need a fishing net what with Egham’s vast array of fishing opportunities…

Fishing net also useful for carrying your essentials home

Bean slicer

This is by far my favorite purchase. 20 long years I’ve gone around eating my beans whole when I didn’t have to. Why has no one ever introduced me to a bean slicer before? I mean why would you not want to slice your beans? It seems so logical now.

I don’t know how I ever managed without one

Whether you’re after fancy dress, vegetable slicers, or bongs in varying sizes and colours, Egham Essentials is the place to go. Yes, the place makes you question what the people of Egham class as essential, but it still makes far more sense than Waitrose Essential Ironing Water.

Not really sure what to do with it all now