How to cheat on holiday and get away with it

What happens on tour stays on tour, except herpes

national noad

The three months of summer stretch ahead of you: a time to get away from untidy flatmates, angry profs and bae.

It’s not that you don’t like your lover, you might even have the slightest trace of warm feelings towards them. But the conversations you share have grown tedious and most of the time you sit in what they think is companionable silence. The sex has started to dwindle and when it does happen it’s as monotonous as repeatedly putting a letter in the postbox.

Lads on tour

Lads on tour

You don’t want the drama of a breakup but you do want to feel alive again. How can you achieve the magic and hope which came before you were shackled down? Have a series of holiday shags.

If adultery is the only way to save your sanity, there are rules you must follow to make sure summer lovin’ doesn’t ruin the rest of your year.

Here’s our guide to cheating on holiday — and getting away with it.

Make a pact with your mates

Not okay.

Not okay

Whether you’re holidaying with the girls or out on tour with the lads remind them of the sacred code: “bros before hoes” and “sisters before misters”. Or more simply, keep your mouth shut and we won’t have a problem.

If you’ve decided to dip your nib in the mysterious ink of other strangers’ genitalia, then make sure you’ve pre-warned your buddies. It’ll be a bit of a shock for them to come back from a night of sangria on the strip to find you naked on top of a stranger.

Don’t feel the need to explain to them the ins and out of why you’re cheating on your bf/gf. Remind them you’re their friend and as friends they have to have your back and keep their opinions to themselves. If you’re lucky they’ll ditch monogamy for one week only too.

Think of a mysterious back story

Stop touching me

Stop touching me

Who doesn’t get turned on by a stranger with an aura of mystery and decadence around them? Create a simple but interesting alter ego for your holiday of sin. It will make you seem sexy and aloof and everyone will want a piece of the riddle wrapped in an enigma.

Keep your first name the same, but make your surname sexy. People are much more impressed when your John Delacroix rather than John Smith. Pick a place of origin which screams cosmopolitan. Try London instead of Hull, or New York instead of Norwich.

Don’t make it too complicated. Remember this persona has to be easily recalled when you’ve been downing tequila all day. Practice before you go away and if your memory is really bad, perhaps make a note on your palm.

The obscurity of your character will also aid you when the person you’ve picked up for a night of passion gets clingy and wants to add you as a friend. They can’t follow you online if you don’t actually exist.

Turn off social media

No one care what you post anyway

No one care what you post anyway

Delete your Facebook, Twitter and Instagram the moment you land on foreign shores. If possible, turn your phone off altogether. You don’t want there to be any accidental traces of your exploits placed online for your other half to see.

That and the fact people who constantly post online while on holiday are really irritating — you’re doing yourself and everyone else favour by not posting online. Not having access to the internet or your phone also means your honey back home will be missing you like mad and you’ll return to somebody who’s actually eager to see you.

Choose your photos wisely

How scenic

How scenic

Even if you’re not constantly posting pics online while your sunning yourself abroad, your partner is going to ask questions if you have no photos to show on your return.

Be selective when you change your cover photo and what’s going into you holiday album. Make them a mix of bland coastal scenic shots and quiet drinks in rustic bars.

The impression you want to give is quiet and relaxing, lulling those who weren’t there into a false sense of security. That way, they’ll never know about the absinthe you sucked out of a randomer’s bellybutton.

Who you should be looking for

Aim high

Aim high

Standards drop significantly on holiday. When abroad, people don’t have to maintain the stellar reputations they have when it comes to pulling back home.

Aim high. Reconsider those you think out of your league. The heat and the alcohol combined decreases the focus of you beer goggles.

The Holy Grail of adulterous holiday romps is definitely somebody in the same situation as you. They’re a cheat too, or at least they’re planning to be, and they’ve got no intention of letting their better half find out.

The two of you together can pull out all the stops to make sure the destination you’re headed to is pleasure island. A swift but sweet encounter to satisfy both parties’ carnal lusts and forbidden desires.

Once your business has been concluded, don’t stick around for a spoon and small talk. You know what just happened and what it meant, even if they don’t. If necessary sneak away using a fire escape or distract them by flooding the bathroom.

Avoid undesirables

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Being in a relationship means you’ve likely become rusty when it comes to the delicate art of knowing who to pull on a night out.

If they’re acting clingy from the moment you started sharing a watermelon full of vodka, turn around and walk away. They could be the best lay of your life but those few moments of joy won’t be worth the hassle afterwards.

Do they look slightly familiar, can’t put a name to the face? In that case, move swiftly on to the next bar without drawing attention to yourself. The last thing you need is to end up sleeping with somebody who has a tentative connection to your real life at home.

Wrap it up

Better safe than sorry

Better safe than sorry

Should you decide to indulge in a summery bout of adultery the one thing bound to ruin your treasured memories is an unexpected baby bump or a odorous rash on your member.

Nothing spoils a holiday more than forgetting to take precautions, whether it be suncream or condoms. Sure, it is a bit like having a sweet with the wrapper still on, but the real pleasure from your romp is knowing it’s taboo.

What happens if you see them again?

Panic

Panic

Do not immediately panic. If your performance was as poor as your chat, then avert eye contact and throw yourself into the nearest pool, bush, or shop and don’t surface until your one night stand has passed you by. The logic is flawless, if you can’t see them, they can’t see you.

In the worse case scenario you see your summer fling back in the UK and you bump into one of your foreign conquests, then run, run for the hills, and be thankful they don’t know who you really are.

Now go and prepare for your deviant holiday. You’ll have drunken memories you can hold dear forever and look back on when you’ve settled down with the tedious person you call the love of your life.