‘I haven’t shagged a tory since June’: The funniest things we’ve overheard on campus

Now everyone is back at uni, it’s time to see what’s been overheard on Northumbria and Newcastle’s campus

The weather is cooling, leaves are falling and Freshers’ is over. This term is officially under way, and naturally, Newcastle students have been gossiping.

Now that everyone is back on campus, it’s time to see what’s been overheard.

There have been insightful comments about uni life:

“I don’t know what it is about the Daysh building, but every time I’m there I need to shit.”

“I haven’t cooked in a month. I’ve just been eating bread and pot noodle.”


The crucial question about Jesmond’s favourite shop:

“Does Mr V’s sell pregnancy tests?”

The difficulties of keeping up with societies:

“Those caving pricks tried to steal our equipment and put it in the toilets.”

“My contemporary art is based off of the national Hand Washing Championships.”


The classic worries that come with any night out in The Toon:

“I have trauma from not getting a proper 18th. So, I’m turning 18 again every year until further notice.”

“He got so blacked out at Shaker that he smeared shit all over someone’s bedroom wall.”

“Next I might put some Solardo on because I’m feeling a bit nutty.”


And a feeling I’m sure we’ve all had:

“This wasn’t worth ironing my jeans for.”

New romances have also been blossoming, clearly to great success:

“Made a huge mistake this weekend. Slept with a man. Never doing that again.”

“Twenty minutes is long for a shag you know.” – If you say so champ.

“He was trying to be sexy so he put The Amazing Spiderman on, on my projector.”

“Each pregnancy test is the same price as a pint. If I started using condoms, I could probably buy four more pints a month.”

“I’m doing better now. I haven’t shagged a tory since June.”

“I’m doing this voluntary celibacy thing. I mean it hasn’t been a full week yet but it’s going well.”

“I think my ideal man is a pirate or a fugitive, or Richard Armatige.”


Some friend groups have gotten a little too close over lockdown:

A group of six people talking: “Who is bringing the vibrator over?” – We’ll just have to hope it’s being correctly washed.


Blinkers student races also took place:

“Daddy sent me money and said it better be going on the horsies.”

“Don’t need to worry about drink we know the jockeys so we have a free tab at the bar.”

Finally, there have been some relatable queries, that I’m sure we’ve all wondered about:

“Do you know what beef wellington is?”

“Everyone’s parents have a GP friend, don’t they?”

“What are those houses that are really close to each other called? Tennis? Trellis?” – Perhaps they were thinking of terraced houses?

“Do I really have to wash my socks every week?”

“Does a stir fry have to be vegetables, or can it be something fun? Like haribos?”


Good to see we’ve all been keeping up our health and hygiene habits.

We’re not certain what all this says about Newcastle’s student culture, but it seems lockdown hasn’t defeated our spirits completely. With everyone reunited with their pals on campus, it’s great to see that we’re all still as delightful and clearly as intelligent as we all claimed to be on our UCAS applications.


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