A Surrey girl’s guide to fitting in at Newcastle

We’ve all seen them around. The Surrey Princesses. The girls that come from places with a certain elegance – Cobham, Stoke D’abernon, Oxshott.

They’re the girls who travel 300 miles North to Newcastle University but whose friendship group consist purely of other people from Surrey. The parka-clad BNOCs who tell everyone that they live in South West London when they’re really from Guildford and it’s the girls who refuse to buy their skinny soy cappuccino from anywhere else but Starbucks even though it takes just tastes like watered down milkshake.

Firstly, there are two types of Surrey girl: the ones who stay true to their inner snob – their bright coloured Nikes, perfect nails and their matte-black Zara puffa. And there are those who ditch the highlights and handbags to reinvent themselves into some super-edgy-funky mom jeans wearing legend.

But while you can try to take the girl out of Surrey but you can’t take Surrey out the girl (regardless if you are smoking Marlboro Lights or Amber Leaf Rollies).

For some unknown reason Newcastle has become a stomping ground for The Surrey Princesses so we thought it was only right to explain how to get into their exclusive inner circle.

Course

Choose a course that can work around your social life – Business management, Geography or Sociology are all courses that will allow you to attend Tup Tup weekly. Picking one of these courses SHOULD guarantee a 2.1, but truth be told, a Surrey girl can deal with a Desmond or can “interview well enough” to land themselves with a mediocre marketing job.

Halls

Inevitably, Surrey girls will end up in Castle Leazes, the halls filled with 1200 other southerners, a  handful of Agrics and potentially one or two from Harrogate.  The only time you will find a Surrey girl not in Castle Leazes is because she missed the grades for Exeter and clearing couldn’t secure her first choice of halls (or you’re Princess Eugenie).

In Leazes, you will find other Surrey females who will in a matter of minutes be your “Unay best gal pals”. These like-minded basic bitches will be your future housemates and you’ll end up sharing taxis, beds and boys with.

Extra Curriculars

God forbid, if you ever feel like breaking out of your sheltered little world and want to meet people who don’t sound like they have a pole shoved up their bum – go and join a society of some sort, perhaps sport. 

But, if you have no intention of leaving your precious Surrey bubble –  keep wearing your Lululemon gym kit to the library, even if you have no plans to ever go to the gym.

Because a ski trip with the fam for Christmas isn’t enough for the Poppies and Millies of the world, you shall be sure to find her on the Uni Ski trip. These girls shan’t be going for the ‘fresh pow’ but instead so that they can exhibit their new extra tight black salopettes at apres.  

These girls don’t take the 21 hour coach to the alps and back, because of course Daddy’s air miles will fly them there.  

Going out

The first year Surrey Princess will attend Club Trop on Monday, and absolutely never Perdu. 

£2uesdays at Bar Blanc (definitely not followed by waikiki) and on Wednesdays, they’ll be found on the podium of Tup Tup palace NOT in the white room at Tiger Tiger.

Thursdays, they will be found on the smoking deck at Swingers, exchanging Marlboro Lights and talking about their most recent trip to the south of France.

Campus hangouts

The Robinson Library,  the place to lurk around the hot guy you got with ten weeks ago. A first year Surrey girl wont actually need to spend any time here, all you will do is distract males who are trying to work and increase the chances of you featuring as “Newcastle’s fittest fresher”.

In second year, Surrey girls will naturally be located on the third floor of the Robinson Library and in Fourth year the third floor. Don’t ask why, it just happens like the lunch tables in Mean girls. The unwritten code of the Robbo Library.

Things to do in Newcastle, but only once

Watch a Newcastle football game
It’ll be fun, but go more than once and people may start to think you actually follow football and therefore are not from Surrey.

Go to the beach
Stop telling yourself that you and your house are going to ‘go every weekend’  and just settle with the fact that you will go once. You’ll all pile in Tiff’s black Polo and trek it out to the sea. That one time will be great, and you’ll all have a super fun picnic with prosecco and avos, but babes it’s no West Wittering.

Get the train to uni
Your normal friends often question how the heck these Surrey sluts travel from the Surrey Hills to the wonderful Newcastle. People would naturally guess that traveling First Class on Virgin Train would suffice. You’ll try it once, realise you will get beyond bored and then retreat to the safety of the flights into Gatwick.

At the end of the day, the thing with Surrey girls is even if you hate them, hate everything they stand for, everything they do and say – you probably wish you were one.