But you Shall go to the Olympics

The last time the UK had the Olympics was in ‘48, and many of us probably didn’t make it then.

So when, back in ‘05, London took its third gold medal– winning the Olympic bid ahead of the French, Spanish, Russians and Americans, it was in all a very satisfying display of diplomatic and financial prowess from the Brits. But after that hurdle was aced, we found ourselves actually responsible for organizing a nightmare. Years of bickering politicians, budget turmoil, transport issues, bomb plots, and finally the run on tickets (who knew we were all so keen on sport), and we are in sight of the finish line.

If you’ve got tickets, that’s cool.

If you don’t –the vast majority here- what’s your plan of action? Will the fight have been for nothing? On the home track, will you drop the baton? Will I run out of sporting metaphors?

For those who’ve missed out, here’s a non-comprehensive list of alternative options to get your sport fix. Attempt as many as you like* (*three false starts will result in disqualification).

1. Pole vault the wall.

Test your own sporting ability and see if you can crack into the Olympic park. Lots of fun to be had here- finding flubber for your trainers, picking your entry point and then (assuming you’ve cleared the wall), soaking up the Olympic atmosphere for free/the thrill of being chased by a security guard with a taser.

2. Impersonate an athlete.

I think it’s a bit late to try entering a team, but if you’ve got the shoulders of Rebecca Adlington or the thighs of Chris Hoy, bluff your way to the top. Free Coke and McDonalds for those who succeed (the official Olympic sponsors). Throw on the national flag of the country of your choice, assume a lunge position/calf flex/sumo squat at the gate and power your way through in celeb style. You won’t need ID if you’re carrying a javelin.

3. Black market tickets.

I don’t know where, but these must exist. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and depending on your budget constraint/ your overall desire to see the Olympics, this might be the option for you.

4. DIY Olympics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAO4EVMlpwM

All of the above failed? Organize your own Olympics. This way you can involve all the sports that you really enjoy. Rounders, Swingball, British Bulldog, and maybe one race where it’s the taking part that counts. Everyone’s a winner.

5. Londoners: Skip town and rent out your house

Instead of fuming for two weeks watching the races on your TV whilst the action unfolds a stone’s throw away, why not take a sabbatical and move to the country/ go stay with your grandmother? This way your apartment will be free to take last-minute tourists looking for accommodation. These people are willing to pay anything and happy to sleep anywhere, as long as it’s within the M25. Then use the cash raised to build your own rival Olympic Park.

Finally, five alternatives to the Olympics may not be enough: so if all of the above don’t suit, just take a long, hard look at Wenlock and Mandeville. Apparently created from steel left over on the Olympic construction site, these creepy, sexless, one-eyed, mitten-handed humanoids/mascots are enough to put anyone off wanting to get involved in the whole sordid affair.