Things you’ll only get if you’ve dated a football lad

You cannot compete with the pub

Football lads are a special breed of lads which require you to tread very carefully when dating. Anyone who has dated one will know there are certain do’s and don’t’s when it comes to your relationship; a holy grail of rules which must be remembered at all times. The key thing to remember with football lads is that it’s not just a sport – it’s a lifestyle which must be followed religiously.

Whether you reflect on your experience with football lads with PTSD, significantly higher standards, or some sort of fondness (you don’t have to lie to yourself), everyone who has crossed paths with one of these boys will 100 per cent agree on certain things that uniquely accompany football lads.

For anyone fortunate (?) enough to have had this unique experience, these are a handful of rules and scenarios you are guaranteed to relate to.

The pub will always come first

The first thing to remember whilst dating a football lad is that you are not the pub. You can’t compete with the pub, you are not as important as the pub, and you will never be as exciting as the pub. The pub is significantly better than you. It doesn’t matter if you are lying on your deathbed; if he’s made plans with ‘the boys’, the pub is where he will be. Sorry girls.

Video games will cause the majority of your arguments, and I still don’t know why

Video games will really reveal the true side of your partner and you do NOT want to hang around after he’s lost a match. The tantrums, strops and shouting this game causes is not to be underestimated. For football lads, video games are extreme sports which they cannot, under any circumstances, be distracted from.

If you are unlucky enough to be present when he’s lost a match, the best advice is just to leave immediately and not to attempt any conversation, as it will inevitably end badly.

Their diet, and therefore your diet, is incredibly plain

Something about gains? Why do they spell gains like ‘gainz’ in posey Insta posts? Baffles me.

A gym obsession comes hand-in-hand with football lads, so you can expect to have a diet purely of rice and protein shakes during your relationship. This means no cute dinner-dates or spontaneous Maccies trips, and if you dare to take a solo trip you can expect a full lecture from your very own health instructor when he finds out. Wait, you had a takeaway three times this week? Football boy will be disappointed (and therefore you need to cut him off).

You can’t borrow his clothes

@plain_jane_8 on Instagram

Fashion is a key element of the footy lad lifestyle. You can typically expect a lot of grey joggers, some expensive branded trainers and some sort of puffer jacket (probably that purple one). You won’t be allowed to borrow any of his hoodies because it’s probably a 400 quid designer one which you will “definitely ruin”.  You can’t leave the house until he’s posted his #crepcheck on his Insta story, and half your weekends together will be painfully spent in being dragged around sports shops in Liverpool One.

You are coerced into supporting his team

It’s only a matter of time (usually approximately one week) before you are begged to join his fanbase and ultimately you will agree, like the amazing, supportive partner that you are. Matches become part of your weekly schedule (lucky you!) and shouting at the TV becomes compulsory. If his team doesn’t win, you’ll have some pre-rehearsed phrases on hand to soothe his inevitable temper, such as: “The ref was soooo off” or “their goal was definitely offside” or even “I swear we’re not in the relegation zone though, babe?” if you’re feeling extra knowledgable.

Football lads are like fit Marmite: You either hate them or love them. Maybe they’re the root cause of something to drink to in Never Have I Ever, or maybe they’re a major red flag for you. You do you boo, but we’re here for you when he’d rather play video games than talk to you.

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