Things I’ve legitimately overheard at Liverpool Uni


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Liverpool: we’re ranked the 38th best university in the UK, we’re a Russell Group and a Red Brick. We’re even one of the most inspiring cities in the world. But my god, we’ve come out with some ridiculous things.

On young love:

“Fam though. Would you rather talk to one girl all the time, or two girls every now and again?”

“I just wanna rub my face along his stubbly jawline.”

“I’m not saying I don’t support your marriage…”

“Dom, do you like the idea of being an army wife?'”

*Lights come on in The Sphinx at 21:17* – “when the lights come on and you see the ugly bird you’ve been talking to all night.”

On politics

“Do you hate the Tories? Get your copy of this week’s socialist worker. No, it’s not free.”

“What so, Theresa May is like, David Cameron now? Since when?”

“You wouldn’t say that about Putin.”

On the sesh

“Alright, you’re getting Ketty, we understand.”

Security guy to (probably) a fresher spewing in the Sphinx: “You’re not gonna die lad.” “I don’t WANT TO DIE” *guy stands up to avoid paramedic* “I’m fine. I’m just dabbing.”

“Techno came from gay.”

“Yeah it was the first time she dropped and she was just so impressed with the quality of the high – she told me it was transcendent.”

On life in the South

“Well my boat was just there leaning over sideways…”

“Why can’t I find any pumpkin ravioli in Asda? They sell it in Waitrose at home.”

On generally poor geography

“You’re Northern? I thought Sheffield was down south?”

“He lived in Sweden”… ‘”Oh my god, the place with all the roundabouts?”

On the gym

“Men’s and women’s squats are like different, so guys do squats to strengthen their legs and that, and women do squats to make their bums look good.”

And everything else

“Is that jingle bell rock I hear?”

“What kind of freak gets tomatoes in her subway?”

“You’re missing your deadline to collect a bed? I’ve seen your gaff. I wouldn’t even bother trying to tidy it.”

“Why can’t they bring jeggings back in fashion?”

“Are there dinosaurs on campus?”

“Don’t be alarmed – they are bright pink.”

“Seriously though, I think she’s a closet racist.”