5 signs of being a definitive ‘lad’

I mean it’s just banter, right?

It is not an exaggeration to say this is a pretty sad time for all students, not to mention a low-point for humour.

So before you tell me to get back in the kitchen (what a classic), I present you with 5 signs that you’re a definitive ‘lad’. If you can only relate to one or two of these points don’t worry – there’s still hope…

1. You’ve mastered the art of banter.

That’s what she said! (Another classic)

Banter is a tricky concept. Basically, you can insult another person as much as you like simply because it’s banter. If you are the recipient (and a true lad) then you will muster all the strength you have not to appear insulted, but to channel that macho energy into a more extreme and outrageous insult. Luckily for lads everywhere these insults do not have to be based on humour, originality or intelligence. As long as it’s qualified with ‘banter’ it’s good to go!

2. You casually throw in homophobic/racist/sexist comments that wouldn’t be socially acceptable at any other time.

Sorry to be repetitive and bring banter into the equation once again, but seemingly it’s a fundamental part of this complex culture. Using ‘banter’ to qualify otherwise socially unacceptable and politically incorrect comments, makes it impossible for the lad to be blamed. However cheap and nasty the ‘joke’ is, the lads are obligated to laugh and so morale remains high.

3. When a girl doesn’t find you funny, you slut-shame her and deny her a sense of humour.

If you’re a true/top/uni lad you’ll know that girls lack a sense of humour. That’s just biology. If she doesn’t find those hilarious rape jokes funny then immediately your lad senses will tell you she needs to be put in her place.

4. When someone denies you your window to shout banter, you feel lost and confused.

Shouting ‘banter’ after an abusive comment is a sacred thing to a ‘lad’. Where would they be without it? If, at one time or another, you have been deprived of this opportunity and have felt lost, confused and ashamed, then you are a true lad.

5. Finally, be it for comedic effect or be it your true feeling, you are psyching yourself up to tell me to go and make you a sandwich right now.

You’re not the kinda guy I’d make a sandwich for

If reading this article (or even just the intro) has created an insufferable urge in you to ask me whether I’m on my period or to make a kitchen/sandwich related gag, then yes, you’ve cracked it, YOU ARE A LAD!

If you’re desperate to fit into lad culture, then be sure to meet all of this criteria.

Keep up the good work, lads. Girls love consistency!