Every annoying person you’ll have in your Glasgow lectures this year

Why can’t you stop coughing?

The constant cougher

It’s 9am. You’ve managed to prise yourself from your bed and you’re sitting glumly in your lecture theatre ready to be thoroughly enlightened by whatever drivel the professor will decide to spout this time. Suddenly, a wave of motivation hits you, and you think: “You know what? Today will be the day I will actually listen to what my lecturer says and I will not spend the entire hour stalking my ex-boyfriend on Facebook.”

You draw your BIC value pen from your bag with gusto, as if it’s Excalibur, and you’re poised ready to write. Then it starts. The incessant coughing from the scruffy, do-you-ever-wash girl sitting next to you. And there goes all your motivation.

The next hour consists of digging your nails into your arm wondering when the cougher will a) drink some actual water or b) die. The latter sounds more appealing. Even Paddy agrees with us on this one. 

Stop coughing

The over-keen mature student

We don’t want to hate them but it’s pretty hard not to when they’re sitting at the front row, perky as fuck ready to give you the glare of death as soon as you whip out your phone. They come to each lecture armed with a coffee and a Macbook air – what else do you need to conquer the world?

Mature students just make us look bad

The one who never turns up

It’s not so much they do anything wrong – how can they when they’re not actually there – but more the fact that, after you’ve slogged your guts out all year to make your 9AMs and scraped into Honours, you spot this slacker on the seminar register. Life is unfair.


The one who’s always on fleek

This is not just the girls: men in suits and with pristine quiffs please take heed.  But yes it’s certainly more noticeable when it’s the ladies.  Looking glam by the time a 3pm rolls around we understand. You’ve clearly sacked off the gym, the library and all other interaction in favour of treating yo self.

But if you’re looking like Kimmy K and you’re walking into a 9am then you need to redress the balance in your life and lie in. Well-rested and fresh-faced is definitely the go-to pre-noon look.

Just off to my 9ams, no big deal x

The Snapchatter

Look, we get it. Snapchat’s fun. You’ve got a big screen – probably an iPhone 6. You have memory us mere mortals can only even dream of. We get that. We’re cool. We like to snap the chat. But you know what’s not fun? Our double chins in the background.  No one looks good in that lighting.

If you’re going to Snapchat please do so from home and please get your scabby elbows and mock excitement faces away from me. No one’s that excited about Robinson Crusoe.

But I love social media

The pencil case nerd

I’m sorry love but are you nine? Okay, I get it, you’re trying to hold on to the last shred of your childhood. I know I know, those were simpler times but you really have to let go. It’s marginally more acceptable in first year, you’ve literally just become an adult and you’re not ready to accept it yet but you’ve really crossed the line when it gets to fourth year and you’re still turning up to lectures with your pink Dora the Explorer pencil case and enthusiastically taking notes in felt tip pen. Grow up please.

Are you eight or 18?