Library etiquette: You’re doing it wrong

Learn the rules

The library is a place of solace, sanctuary, stress and unbelievably annoying people.

You’re trying to get work done, trying to write an article, trying to internet shop in peace when those irritating humans descend, and all of a sudden those 70 percent student discounts aren’t quite so thrilling.

There are many ways in which people can be annoying.

You’re not wearing Uggs

Please lord, pick up your fucking feet.

You aren’t wearing slippers or UGGs so there is no possible reason for the insane amount of noise you’re making.

Either you have very weak ankles, your legs are too long for your body or you’re lazy.

Gies a break

And since I’ve not recently seen anyone with freakishly long legs around Uni Avenue I’m going to go with the latter.

If you can make the effort to come to the library in the first place up mount Kiliman-fucking-jaro then you can make the effort to lift your feet.

Please, I beg of you.

We are all listening to your conversation

And no we don’t give a shit who Amy pulled last night or how many units you consumed.

I’m trying to concentrate on the effectiveness of non-state actors on global politics, so can you just not.

Now, everyone is entitled to a whispered chat. No problem.

Stop it

But when you’re inane conversation reaches a normal volume it makes us want to punch you in the face repeatedly.

Not that studying makes you aggressive or anything.

And a special plead goes out to all of those non-english speaking folks who appear to believe that just because we can’t understand you we also cannot hear you. That is not the case, I assure you.

Cleaners don’t have a free pass

Yes, yes we all know Lorna doesn’t quite pull her weight on levels 2 to 6 and students are all shitebags, thanks for keeping us in the loop.

Don’t get me wrong, I fully appreciate everything the library cleaners do, lord knows those toilets would be a nuclear explosion with all the hungover poos people do in there.

the floor isn’t wet though

But it wouldn’t be much to ask to just be a bit quieter, would it?

Oh, and Margaret. if you try to run me over with your trolley cart again I’m going to throw my swivel chair at you.

is it? or can you just not be arsed cleaning?

You’ve been warned.

Fumblers beware

I mean this in two senses.

Firstly, the people who think it’s okay to pull in the library and then those who can never find their student cards on entrance to the library. Neither one is okay and both will gain you the title of ultimate wanker.

the scene of many a library crime

Pulling in the library at all is fucking weird, but pulling in the library past level four is completely inappropriate and socially awkward.

It’s like someone masturbating on a train, it’s not okay.

As for the student card situation just keep it in your pocket. Not your backpack, not your shoe. Your pocket.

We were here first

This is controversial, but people who leave stuff at a desk are well within their right. It’s the people who get pissy that are the annoying ones.

We all know the only reason you’re pissed is because they got their before you. If you want a desk, get up at the crack of fucking dawn like they do.

If you still can’t get a desk then fair play to you, be as angry as you like.

But until then just you keep traipsing up to level 10 at lunchtime on a Tuesday looking for a desk and good luck to you.

People who go away for three hours are stringing it out a bit, but still they were there first.