The Rise of the Gluts

As most Exeter gym-goers know, the new gym is truly, unbelievably sexy.

Row upon row of glistening machines there to turn your once flabby, booze-destroyed body into a temple of health and excellence.

However, there is just one thing ruining this perfect picture of Exeter perfection: the apparently unstoppable rise of gym sluts, commonly known as gluts.

These are the girls that think the gym is the optimum opportunity to find your way into the hearts and pants of an array of sporting wonders.

The worst kind of gym-goer

The ones who turn up with so much makeup on you don’t know if it’s a girl or a craggy wall-plastered over with some polyfilla. The problems do not stop here, though.

Oh no, these problems get inexorably worse when they spend somewhere between 45 minutes and an hour stretching seductively on the gym mats.

If there were an abundance of gym mats, this would of course be less of a problem.

But for the vast majority who see a gym mat as a place to stretch and exercise, the array of scantily clad girls posing provocatively is just infuriating.

Gluts try to impress these sort of hot-bod blokes.

I’m sure there will be a lovely response from many of these girls stating that I’m just jealous, that they look good in the gym.

In all honesty, though, the girls that all gym-goers really envy are the ones that spend an hour doing intense cardio and still look like Lara Croft (not me).

These are the shining beacons of hope for all girls who, five minutes after arrival, have transformed into some terrifying red and sweaty monster (myself included).

In the interest of fairness, we had to ask some of the sweaty, sexy sportsmen that these girls so desire, what they thought of the wondrous array of gluts.

How most of us look roughly 5 minutes in…

Girls, the answers weren’t good.

The vast majority said they either a) hadn’t noticed as they were busy benching cars downstairs or b) got pissed off that people were stealing their equipment for no purpose.

So here we are, just a final little piece of advice for any girl looking to find herself a rugby/lacrosse/hockey-playing Adonis: Timepiece is a much safer bet for pulling than the gym.

Let’s just hope they’re so drunk they don’t notice you haven’t done a real workout in years, and the amount of makeup you wear has finally worn away all of your distinctive features until you’re left with a blank canvas to draw on whichever personality you feel like adopting that day.

Unless you can be like Sonny Bill, always be yourself.

Disagree with this opinion? Email your response to [email protected]. 500 words max.