THE REVEAL: Cambridge’s Top 10 BNOCs 2024

Never have I ever kissed a BNOC…

| UPDATED

We’re just 10 days into March and already it’s been a month of spectacular award ceremonies. First we had the Brits, then the Oscar’s, and now it’s time for the most anticipated of them all: The Cambridge Tab’s Biggest BNOC Competition 2024! My name is Esther and I will be your host for this evening, it’s time to kick back in your library chair and enjoy the show…

For 10 lucky students, life is about to change. Popular as they already are, the following results will transport to them to a whole new territory of fame, unconquered by anyone but Stephen Hawking and David Quan.

Never again will these Cantabrigians enter the Lola’s top floor without crowds of eager Tab fans flocking towards them asking “Weren’t you on the BNOC list?” No more will they stealthily skip the queue in Mainsbury’s without widespread cancellation on Camfess. But with great fame comes great responsibility, and I hope they will use their platform for good (can we please put an end to the college puffer trend?).

Almost 2,000 of you have voted, but only 10 BNOCs will be victorious. Will there be someone you know in there? (considering the nature of the competition, probably yes). But that’s enough from me, it’s time to hear from our winners…

10. Alessio D’Angelo (he/him)

Percentage of students who know him: 21.5 per cent.

Year, course and college: Second year history student at Jesus.

Reason for nomination: Too much time spent at politics socs, the union and Emma bar.

Reaction to winning: I hope my parents are proud <3.

Fun fact: 🎵sono un diavolo con una faccia d’angelo🎵 – alessio, 2014

Cambridge alumni he wants to meet: Sir Ian McKellen because who wouldn’t want to meet Gandalf?

9. Jyothi Cross (she/her)

Percentage of students who know her: 22 per cent.

Year, course and college: Third year studying HSPS (Soc Anth!) at Catz.

Reason for nomination: I’d like to think it’s because I’m so involved with uni life! But it’s because of my Camfess commenting…

Reaction to winning: My friends are considering disowning me.

Fun fact: I can squat AN ENTIRE PERSON.

Cambridge alumni she wants to meet: Claudia Winkleman. I love her. My icon, my hero, my favourite Saturday morning DJ.

8. Ellie Breeze (she/her)

Percentage of students who know her: 23.3 per cent.

Year, course and college: Third year studying HSPS at Peterhouse.

Reason for nomination: Affiliation to Desh Ganesh.

Reaction to winning: I’ve had worse experiences with student newspapers.

Fun fact: I’ve won every game of pub golf I’ve competed in.

Cambridge alumni she wants to meet: Probably Ludwig Wittgenstein, his theories of language kept me occupied during lockdown.

7. Patrick ‘Paddy’ Dolan (he/him)

Percentage of students who know him: 25.3 per cent.

Year, course and college: Second year studying MML at Corpus.

Reason for nomination: Probably one too many Revs/Lola’s, one too many tiktoks and one too many The Tab/Varsity articles.

Reaction to winning: “Slowly but surely you start to realise, actually I can’t nip to the garage in my pyjamas anymore for a pint of milk even if I want to” – Cheryl Cole

Fun fact: I’m colour blind, this nomination really came out of the red.

Cambridge alumni he wants to meet: Claudia Winkleman. I have a lot of things to ask her, like if she thinks I’m a faithful or a traitor and if she actually uses head and shoulders.

6. Amelia McDowell (she/they)

Percentage of students who know them: 27.5 per cent.

Year, course and college: It’s… complicated, studying MML at King’s.

Reason for nomination: Wevs and slolas (and a very funny meme page I may or may not run).

Reaction to winning: Just wait til I’m on campus.

Fun fact: I’m not on campus. I intermitted in October 2022 and since then I’ve haunted the Junction girls’ toilets like moaning myrtle with a Belfast accent.

Cambridge alumni they want to meet: Kim Philby.

5. Alex Horan (she/her)

Percentage of students who know her: 31.2 per cent.

Year, course and college: Third year studying history at Churchill.

Reason for nomination: Yapping.

Reaction to winning: Sorry, won’t happen again.

Fun fact: I’m quoted in a book! (now everyone go buy Consent Laid Bare by Chanel Contos).

Cambridge alumni she wants to meet: Ted Hughes (to get revenge).

4. Neha Pauly (she/her)

Percentage of students who know her: 31.2 per cent.

Year, course and college: Second year studying HSPS at Christ’s (home of the best may ball!).

Reason for nomination: Diversity quota (more Australians).

Reaction to winning: “clap if you care” – Wendy Williams.

Fun fact: I am two people stacked in a coat 🕵️.

Cambridge alumni she wants to meet: Already met Rina Sawayama, who is the loveliest person ever, but I’d have loved to unpack Jawaharlal Nehru’s brain re Indian Independence. I know the family Whatsapp groups would have eaten it up too so…

3. Max Ghose (he/him)

Percentage of students who know him: 40.2 per cent.

Year, course and college: Third year studying HSPS at Trinity Hall.

Reason for nomination: That’s between me and God.

Reaction to winning: The SAS have a famous motto: “who dares wins.” We dare, we will win.

Fun fact: I enjoy jolly boating weather.

Cambridge alumni he wants to meet: Louis Mountbatten or Lee Kuan Yew.

2. Soupycamb (soupy/soup)

Percentage of students who know soup: 45.5 per cent.

Year: Second year.

Reason for nomination: Very very grateful but no clue. Maybe aggressive marketing tactics? Or maybe people just love soup…

Reaction to winning: Very surprised. I never thought my account would actually gain this much traction. Mildly confused but ultimately very grateful and happy :D.

Fun fact: I didn’t even like soup that much when I began this account.

Cambridge alumni soup wants to meet: King Henry the eighth for a soup appointment just for the lols (although apparently he didn’t go to Cambridge, only founded a college, so otherwise maybe David Attenborough lol).

1. Sal Widdicombe (he/him)

Percentage of students who know him: 50.7 per cent.

Year, course and college: Third year (intermitting actually), studying Chinese at Homerton.

Reason for nomination: Hopefully not for the same reason as the “Eton Mess” (Max I hear this restaurant’s got some great meal deals, 87 ballots for the price of one).

Reaction to winning:

Since Sal went off back to Taiwan,Cambridge just hasn’t been quite as fun.Last year in The Tab, he signed off with a dab,but now he says “Bring Back Dave Quan”.

Fun fact: I lost my front tooth eating a stale carrot in the old John’s buttery.

Cambridge alumni he wants to meet: I would meet James Appiah III, because I was Happier with Appiah ❤️‍🔥😭.

So what should we take from this year’s results? All I can say is that, if you want to be a BNOC, you should convert to HSPS (side note to the winners: please don’t ask us to delete this article when you’re running for Prime Minister, remember who made you!).

And that brings The Tab’s Biggest BNOC Competition 2024 to a close. All that’s left for you to do now is tune over to Camfess for the debrief, and maybe even try spotting a BNOC in the wild!

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