The Tab’s Most Eligible Bachelors 2016

So much better than that show with Spencer Matthews

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As Valentine’s Day came and went this year, many were (inevitably) left, as one of the below candidates might put it, “on their ones” – alone, and contemplating yet another year of sorrow.

What if?” they said. “Why me?” perhaps. Fear not singletons, for we have (once again) got your backs. Below is a list of the finest bachelors that Cambridge has to offer. Funny, sophisticated, charming – you name it we have it. Ch(use) wisely.

William Birch, Fresher, Robinson

Carwash anyone? ;-)

Carwash anyone? 😉

Self Written Bio

07784274666 x

Yearbook Quote

If Carlsberg did bachelors…

Steve Jobs or Blow Jobs?

Not a fan of either to be honest, the battery on my iPhone lasts about as long as I do.

Kanye or Jay Z?

#twofingersinthebootyassbitch.

Leo or Clooney?

Leo, gotta go with my lookalike.

Rowing or Sex?

Hard to pick. For me both experiences involve lycra and blisters. And Teams of 8.

Mean Girls or The Notebook?

Haven’t seen the notebook, and Lindsay Lohan was a spice back in the day so easy decision.

Night in or Night out?

Night out, then in, then out, then in gym.

Nando’s or Burger King?

Hangs on a number of contingent factors. Mainly how recently I’ve had my haircut. Obviously sharp low fade -> there’s only one place.

Nike or Adidas?

How many times do I have to say Yeezy Yeezy Yeezy?! Plus I’m German so I’ll go with Dassler.

Kendall or Kylie?

I genuinely rated Kylie pre-surgery but it’s got to be Kendall now dosent it. Don’t like her name though. It’s a town in Cumbria.

Bart or Homer?

Patty and Selma. 😉

Michael Askins, Second Year, Trinity

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But seriously, Steve Jobs.

Self Written Bio:

Michael is the acclaimed king of irony in Cambridge who almost never strays into the realm of post-irony.

 Yearbook Quote:

A teacher at school once said about me ‘some village has lost its idiot’.

Steve Jobs or Blow Jobs?

Angry mobs.

 Kanye West or Jay Z?

Tinchy Stryder.

 Leo or Clooney?

Amal Clooney knows the law pretty well.

Rowing or Sex?

Neither.

Mean Girls or The Notebook?

I don’t really know what The Notebook is.

Night In or Night Out?

Night out: woiii.

Nandos or Burger King?

The fat duck.

Nike or Adidas?

My Nikes are my casual trainers. My Adidas are my running ones.

Kendall or Kylie?

Kris.

Bart or Homer

I think Homer is a metamodernist icon.

Freddie Ireland, Fresher, Clare

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Ironic, or just a bellend? At least he’s not @tw7capo

Self-written bio:

Hi Ladies, I’m Freddie Ireland. You may have heard of me. And my mission. As an engineer, I know what makes a woman tick, and how to turn her on. Like what you’ve heard so far? I like to keep elusive, if you want to hear more, you’ll have to charm your way into my diary.

Yearbook Quote:

‘When you’re the absolute best, you get hated on the most.’ – The Great Mr Kanye West.

Steve Jobs or Blow Jobs?

Blowjobs whilst reading Steve Jobs’ autobiography. I keep my mind on my money 24/7.

Kanye or Jay Z?

Please refer to the above quote.

Leo or Clooney?

Leo. I too am waiting for the day my status as an absolute legend is finally recognised by the masses.

Rowing or Sex?

I don’t need to row. My Adonis-esque body is a natural gift.

Mean Girls or The Notebook?

Mean Girls. All four of them at once.

Night in or Night Out?

Out. Followed by a cheeky night in 😉

Nando’s or Burger King?

I prefer fine-dining. Think The Shard at sunset. I like a 360 view of my empire.

Nike or Adidas?

I shop exclusively at Gucci.

Kendall or Kylie?

Kris. Women are like a fine bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, they only get better with age.

Bart or Homer?

Homer. As in the Odyssey. I like my culture like my bank balance – high.

Robert Shearme, Second Year, Trinity

Straight Outta Brideshead #OscarsSoWhite

Straight Outta Brideshead.

Self-written bio: Contrary to popular opinion, I’m not too much of a fan of talking about myself. I would simply like to say that I think of myself as fond of tradition; be it in how one carries themself, or more importantly, cares for others.

Yearbook Quote

From Tab article “Bruised Trinity students fight bed tyranny”: “There is barely space to have a champagne bucket and strawberries next to oneself whilst reading Tatler.”

Steve Jobs or Blow Jobs?

Jesus Christ, is this a real question? I’m going to go with Steve Jobs – enough said.

Kanye or Jay Z?

A tough choice – my first boat club rap was actually based on a collaboration between them, and although some think my ego is closer to Kanye’s in size, I would choose Jay Z – he has a little less brash.

Leo or Clooney?

Definitely more of a fan of DiCaprio, especially in the Great Gatsby – who could say no to all those wonderful shirts?

Rowing or Sex?

Having presented me with the choice between a boring, repetitive motion of thrusting hips and legs whilst you become increasingly bored looking for a good finish, or rowing, I think I’m going to choose rowing.

Mean Girls or The Notebook?

I’ve never actually seen Mean Girls, and The Notebook was a shared pleasure of my first love and myself – and you know what they say, you never forget your first love.

Night in or Night Out?

Being more witty than I am pretty, having large speakers, and a good cocktail bar in my room, I think I’ll come to the conclusion of “night in”.

Nando’s or Burger King?

I’ve been to each one about once in total (so you can tell I’m incredibly interested in both). I would say Burger King, but quite frankly I’d much rather indulge in Trinity creme brulées.

Nike or Adidas?

Fucking neither.

Kendall or Kylie?

I know they’re Kardashians, but the only one I’m really aware of would be Kourtney due to Scott Disick – he has a lovely way of pointing out the inanity of the Kardashian’s lives.

Bart or Homer?

Homer; I’ve always been a fan of the Odyssey.

Cambridge’s finest single men, awaiting your approval. Who will be victorious? You decide.