LIVEBLOG: The CUSU Freshers Fair 2015

All you need to know

| UPDATED Cambridge Freshers Fair liveblog Tab

Freshers, get keen. Drop whatever you are doing right now and head over to Parkers Piece where you will be greeted by keen societies, lots of stash and free pizza. We at The Tab will be on hand to update you on all the latest news and gossip at the CUSU Fair.

17.30 It’s all over. Freshers’ fair 2015 has drawn to a close. We’ve given away an obscene amount of mugs, harassed a suitable number of Varsity and TCS members and have gained a load of sign ups which we now have to painstakingly type into hermes. If you’re interested in writing for us and didn’t sign up for the mailing list (or even if you did) then you can join writer’s page here, where we will be posting commissions and other Tab opportunities. 

Until next year.

15.34 Update from your favourite Student Union

CUSU informs us the Fair is going much better than in previous years. (65% to be precise, according to CUSU Coordinator Jemma Stewart). Better circulation, traffic etc.

In an attempt to extract some passion from CUSU President Priscilla Mensah, we asked her whether she would die for CUSU. “Well if I were dead, I couldn’t do anything for CUSU, obviously.” Yeah, we felt stupid.

In all honesty, CUSU has done a very decent job with the Fair this year. Congrats.

We struggled to get them to agree to do this.

15.16 We’re still getting loads of sign ups though – I have developed an excellent radar for Varsity and TCS bullshit and will occasionally look up from my computer to shout across the room that they should sign up for The Tab instead. This has been met with a pleasing amount of success.

Whether said success is a product of desire to actually write for us, or simply fear, I don’t know.

14.59 The Tab freshers’ stall has definitely seen better days. We have no mugs, the Tab shirts are looking slightly worse for wear, and I am now permanently the only one here. Needless to say, I’m also on my computer writing this, so the freshers’ aren’t getting much attention at the moment.


14.46 Julian and Xavier have returned, both looking sheepish and informing me that they have managed to offend multiple societies in the short space of 11 minutes. I look at them disapprovingly.

14.37 On the subject of shit chat, Varsity are churning out aggressive sales pitches like there’s no tomorrow. I just heard one of them say ‘Tab’ loudly and disparagingly. I chose to ignore it and continued to calmly detail the nature of our superiority to one of our latest sign- ups.

14.36 Breaking News: We have actually ran out of Tab mugs. Shit chat is all I have to offer now.

14.35 Julian and Xavier have gone to do some ‘proper journalism’ and take pictures. I am therefore alone. Come and visit me for free mugs and shit chat.

14.21 Alice in Wonderland


Her kingdom.

14.13 TAB SERIES: Building bridges: Part four

The atheists and the Catholics. #peaceandlove

Papa Franky approves.

14.11 TAB SERIES: Building bridges: Part three

The Greens and the Tories. #peaceandlove

It was a tiny bit awkward but respect.

13.50 Breaking news, building bridges

TCS Editor Jack May tells Tab News Editor: “I’ll write for you, if you want”.

13.45 Overhead at Varsity

Varsity’s new pitch to freshers is apparently: “Have you ever read a newspaper?”

Killing it.

13.35 Interviewing with CAM FM.

Cross promotion okay because we use different media.

13.34 Spot the Tab.

It’s like Where’s Wally but you’re not looking for Wally.

13.03 TAB SERIES: Building bridges: Part 2

After a failed attempt to build bridges between Israel and Palestine (as well as the Tories and Labour) we have this as a poor substitute:

13.00 TAB SERIES: Building bridges: Part 1

Historic enemies CUSU and the Tab united behind a great Freshers’ Fair.


12.43 It’s harder to write with mugs than you’d think.

He tried.

12.25 Generous donation from Domino’s.

Probably doing it for the free publicity.

We present to you: Pizza.


Contestant: Alice Pavey

Time before spotted: Unlimited

Reaction: Not giving a fuck.


Contestant: Xavier Bisits

Time before spotted: 8 seconds

Reaction: Shattered that security breached.


Contestant: Xavier Bisits

Time before spotted: 5 seconds

Reaction: Pleased.

12.05 SOCIETY HIDE AND SEEK ROUND ONE: The Marshall Society

Contestant: Alice Pavey

Time before spotted: 3 seconds

Reaction: Perplexed

They’re loving it.

11.53 In search of creative ways to demonstrate the number of sign ups we’ve got, this happened. 


11.40 CUSU conspi-rain-cy?

Word is the Tap and Jazz Society is now being rained on. A double whammy for the group after today’s confiscation.

11.27 Stash

A lot of people have been asking what of our stash they can have. You’ll be thrilled to learn that we have consolidated a hierarchy. The mugs are base 1 – in other words, anyone who signs their life away to us on the mailing list can have one.

Actually write for us and you reach base 2: the T-shirt. Base 3 is the highly elusive editor’s black and gold tshirt. Unfortunaltey there is no base 4. Base 4 is represented by the Tab condom. We have run out of Tab condoms and as such you cannot have one. You will never reach base 4. You will sleep alone tonight.

Our last condom is tightly guarded.

11.21 Cambridge’s hottest collectable going fast.


Alice and Gabrielle in state of glee at new mugs.


Journalist featured on live blog while live blogging, sharing the secrets of WordPress with keen freshers.

This is what journalism looks like.

11.14 “This is the best freebie I’ve seen all day” – Adam Mirsky, from Emma

Quote of the day from impressed fresher.

Feat. News Editor Sam Watts.

11.01 The question on everyone’s minds.

Where is CUSU’s projection coming from?


10.55 Controversy!

Word on the ground is CUSU has confiscated Cath Kidston fliers from the Tap and Jazz Society!

(We at the Tab may not like their Cath Kidston fliers but will defend to just before the point of bodily harm our friends at the Tap and Jazz Society the right to distribute them.)

10.24 Varsity editor registering slight disgust at our mug.

He secretly wants one.

10.05 We’re back!

This time new and improved with more mugs + more t-shirts. Supply of condoms running dangerously low.

Do the mugs ever end? (Answer: No.)

16.45   The Tab: “Given it’s your tagline and all, are you single?”

 Cambridge University Flirting Society: “Yes and so are you.”

16.38   BREAKING: We just heard two Domino’s floggers getting fired. (So we think.)

Not a huge difference between this and unemployment anyway

16.29   We asked different societies for their taglines and these are their responses:

Bio Soc: Do you like being alive?

Welsh Society: Wyt ti’n hoffi picau ar y maen?

A Society of Ice and Fire: [Screams at unsuspecting freshers:] Dun dun dadadundun dadadundun dudadurrrrrrr [theme tune]

Cambridge University Flirting Society: Are you single?

Doctor Who Society: All of time and space in one place

Trampoline: Do you want to do it in the air?

Cam FM: Like the sound of your own voice?

Poker Society: Take it rain

Oxbridge Summer Camps Abroad: Do you want a free holiday?

Inter-college Debating Society: Are you a very angry argumentative person?

16.13   French Soc. Quelle Horreur

15.53   Cambridge’s new MP, Daniel Zeichner,  finally in the media spotlight

What a euphoric fresher

15.31   Free icecream!

15:21   We have pens and safe sex!

15.15   What’s your biggest fear for the coming year?

Natasha, Churchill: “that everyone will be weird.” I mean, this is Cambridge – it’s a given.

Barley, Homerton: “Death.”

A, Emmanuel: “being thrown into the pond.”

Steph: “Having no social life”


15.00   What’s the best toilet you’ve been to so far?

Sage, Fitz: “Wetherspoons, hands down”

Kate, Clare: “Buttery toilets are pretty nice…” Very convenient.

Charlotte (Union Hack): “The Unisex disabled access toilets in the Union.” Dweeb.

John: “The underground ones, where sometimes you spot a bit of cottaging”


14.56   How do you feel about being overwhelmed by the overwhelming presence of Domino’s?

“It’s interesting”

14.54   Nothing says “Monopoly Capitalism” like wonderful wonderful Pizza.

14.17   Biggest regret in Freshers’ week so far?

Boris: “my college is all male.”

Charlotte (Union Hack): “Not joining the Union.” Dweeb.

Rianna (for last year): “getting with my housemate in first week. It got pretty awkward.”

Mano: “Someone threw up in my room”

Libby: “Making no friends”

Eilish: “not being able to bake a baked potato in my kitchen”

Steph: “not pre-drinking before the bar crawl”


13.34   The freshers have clearly been getting naughty and have already decided to try out the many tab condoms on offer #DoingAPublicService

Bloody freshers

13.55   Theatre Editor Molly O’Connor getting a little too excited at meeting new freshers…

Just too keen