How to lose your friends in 10 ways

Try it, you might like it

How to lose your friends in 10 ways

Practically a transcript of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. But with no guys that look like a young Matthew McConaughey. In fact, no guys at all. And its not going to end happily ever after.

How to lose friends and alienate people: ‘Home friends’ edition.

  1. Post bi-weekly/daily/hourly updates of your college’s shrubbery on Instagram. You might be the recipient of the occasional sarcastic “omg no way do you go to Cambridge?!?” comment from a home friend who hasn’t got time for your shit, but pick yourself up, delete the comment ASAP, and watch the likes roll in from your college wives, husbands, aunts, sisters, mums, dads, grandparents, adopted cousins etc. Your insta fame just reached unprecedented heights, and you even got a cheeky like from @Cambridgeispossible.

#Newn #gardens #Cambridge #Hogwarts

  1. Casually use a plethora of words that quite frankly don’t make the cut into the Other Place’s English Dictionary. By way of example – ‘I came back from my supo with my DoS and I totally found my bedder looking at the photos from that swap at Gardies when I ran around naked shouting “GDBO”’. I was sooo embarrassed that I had to go and hide in the gyp until she was done.
  1. Incessantly enthuse about how walking through town on a Friday evening on the way to Formal Hall is Harry Potter level magical. Although also reference the sadistic thrill which ensues as a result of your fear stricken, gown clad walk past the townies in the queue for Life.
  1. Complain about how, unlike at home, you’re no longer the smartest person in the room all the time. However, don’t neglect to remind everyone that you also knew the answer to the University Challenge question, and can even spell it in Ancient Greek.

τεδ λουεδαι – the hapax to my legomenon

  1. Proclaim in exultation that you managed to purchase a bargain May Ball ticket for the meagre price of £137, in spite of the £203 inflation rates on Agora. Then sigh in resignation that you now have to find a second ball gown, as you categorically wouldn’t be seen dead in the same dress twice. If you are met with grimaces of astonishment and general disapproval, shoot them down by emphasising that Cambridge clubs close in 3rd term and you have to blow your Student Loan somehow.
  1. Complain about how much you hate it when your bedder comes in and fucks up the feng shui.
  1. Invite your home friends ‘up’ for a swap, but forget to elaborate on said foreign concept. For some reason they’re mildly perturbed by Cambridge’s most notorious breed of organised fun. Having forced them into a room full of strangers to eat a dubious plate of noodles and spring rolls, the experience is likely to go down just as uneasily as a Curry King Korma or the unidentifiable chicken appetisers at Sesame.

You wouldn’t swap this for the world

  1. Make your friends watch on repeat and laugh hysterically at absolutely every scene, because Cambridge banter lol. If you go to Girton, make a feeble attempt at redeeming your reputation, rolling off the same speech you regurgitated time and time again during Freshers Week, but give up in the knowledge that your extra-Cantabrigian pals quite frankly don’t give a fuck.
  1. Talk about your workload. A lot. Use supercilious eyebrows should any other uni-goer complain about their essay plight.
  1. There is no 10. Your friends have well and truly fucked off already.