The best kitsch in Cambridge

Cambridge is crawling with tourists. 

It’s practically impossible to go a day without finding yourself stuck behind a group being dragged around the colleges by an overly keen and self-important middle-aged tour guide, who clearly never went to the University themselves but somehow feel like they own the place.

Sorry, rant over. But whilst these bewildered foreigners seem incapable of realising that cyclists do use the roads, they always seem to be having a great time. So I thought I’d try ‘A day in the life of… a tourist in Cambridge,’ and hit the city’s kitschiest shops.

Naturally, the best place to start is King’s Parade, because King’s College is kind of a big deal. This makes it a prime location for shops to sell cheap things that aren’t worth anything to anyone.

Example the first: King’s Parade gift shop.

Yes, people in Cambridge believe that anything a mile further up from the city is considered the ‘North’. However, this doesn’t mean Cambridge is the same, or anything similar to, London. So why is it necessary to sell a whole six shelves’ worth of London memorabilia? Let’s not confuse the tourists anymore we already have.

Example number 2: The Little Gift Shop on the Corner.

National pride so strong right now…

A meerkat in a nurse outfit, a coaster of Mr Bean’s face and a Union Jack skull – Cambridge souvenirs at their finest.

Continuing down Trinity Street, I reached Jacks on Trinity.

I thought it might be harder to find kitsch here, and that maybe the souvenirs sold would be of a higher quality. At a push, I thought there might be more ‘posh’ than ‘kitsch’, being next to Trinity College and all.

I was wrong – but then again, who doesn’t need a Dobby Doorstop or a Gryffindor Letter Opener in their life? We basically live in Hogwarts anyway, so we may as well embrace it. If this isn’t your style, never fear: you can still be fashionable in a pair of magic boxer shorts – just add water! We all know Primark isn’t cutting it these days.

The most useful things I have ever seen

Finally, I moved on to explore the Market Square. Thankfully I found something that has always been missing from my daily wash routine, a Dalek bath jelly. And it is reduced to £2.00 – absolute bargain.

If I owned one of these, I would finally be happy.

So that’s the Tab guide to the best kitsch in Cambridge. If you ever have some money spare, you know where to go.