Good Heavens! Jesus Porters Spy on One Night Stands

Ooh porter! College authorities at Jesus are busting students who don’t sign in their hook-ups

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As if the walk of shame the next morning wasn’t embarrassing enough, accounts suggest that Jesus plodge is now using CCTV to catch out students who return to college with new friends from Cindies.

In one case, a female Jesuan received an email from college after several ‘successful’ nights out on the lash. Porters had noticed that she never signed in any of her guests, and a not-so-gentle reminder that this was regulation was sent to spare her blushes.

We'll bet the porters have an eye on the Caesareans!

We’ll bet the porters have an eye on the Caesareans!

A second year rugby ‘lad’ at the college was not so lucky. A girl he invited over after college had been locked up was left waiting in the cold, as she couldn’t access college grounds without a card. Ambushed by the porters, both the Jesuan and his lady love received a telling off, and to add insult to injury, the porters had to be called to let her out of college the next morning.

It’s certainly proving tricky for some to ride the Jesus horse!

Speaking to The Tab, our informant said: “The porter had caught me in other compromising positions and had to deal with me on a few drunken occasions so I think he loved a little pay back. We both found it hilarious as he wandered off, torch in hand and whistling some smug tune!”

When asked to verify whether student surveillance of this ilk was being clamped down on, a Jesus porter merely smiled enigmatically and tapped the side of his nose, saying, “Now that would be telling, wouldn’t it?”

If there’s someone to avoid the next time you’re out, it seems that Jesus is the new Johns.