Meet the Easter term Columnists

These people are mad. Let’s not deny it – firstly, they’ve agreed to write/film themselves every week to sate your procrastinatory cravings in Exam term – and secondly, they’re willing to subject themselves to ridicule, accusations of egotism and of course, the wonderful baying mob that is you lot, Tab commenters.

But they’re also going to be here for you when the going gets tough. When it’s dark and you’re drowning in Kant in the UL and the academic on the next desk smells of cat piss, they’ll be here, with a cheeky but profound insight, an adorable anecdote, or just a reason to chuckle.

Without further ado, it gives us great pleasure to introduce:

ZOE AND KIRSTIE GREEN

Zoe and Kirstie are identical twins, reigning from the rainy region of Yorkshire; God’s own county that resides in the glorious North! The first-year duo read English at Homerton (yes, both of them!), and hope post-degree to pursue their perfectly realistic dreams of becoming full-time Disney princesses.

Venturing down south has proven something of a surprising-experience-cum-identity-crisis (is a Stark still a Stark if they are no longer at Winterfell?!), largely thanks to the unprecedented attention they get for being twins from the inebriated masses at Cindies and Life.

Being twins, who are blonde, northern, and reading the same subject at the same college has made them something of a spectacle. As such, they decided to start a joint column to show that they are, in fact, human and not some circus act, meaning that there is no longer the need to point and stare – mid-Jägerbomb – with wide, glazed-over eyes.

Zoe and Kirstie’s column will be in video form and you can see the first one on THURSDAY.

CHARLIE PALMER

Grammar enthusiast Charlie recently realised he needed to work harder in his quest to be a BNOC, after seeing the look of abject disappointment on a misguided fresher’s face when she eventually realised he wasn’t Gareth Bale, and to this end has got himself a Tab column. His interests include stand-up comedy, dodgeball, House of Cards and being tall. Dislikes include low ceilings, tapas, and Marvin from JLS.

If you’re the sort of person who looks down on football fans, if you’ve ever said ”I’m really into foreign cinema” or if you force him off a narrow pavement because you insist on holding hands, Charlie thinks you’re a moron and you have to be stopped.

Charlie’s first column will be out on WEDNESDAY.

HOLLY LUNT

Holly has had a time to remember at Cambridge, since starting back in October. She spends some of her time completing her academic work, but is careful to balance this out with non-academic work and socialising!

Holly has a variety of hobbies, including: socialising with friends, television, media and film, cooking, chatting, listening to music, walking, the special group that she’s part of, and most important of all – having fun!

She also has a fun personality, and likes to get drunk, haha! You can usually find her down at one of the Cambridge clubs: Fez, Life, Cindies, or Lola Lo’s. Some of Holly’s favourite things about clubbing include: having the opportunity to socialise with friends, dancing, and listening to music. She sure hates a hangover though! But often gets them!

You can read Holly’s first column on TUESDAY.

TIM SQUIRRELL

Whenever the kids at school made fun of him for his silly name (or his pudgy face, or his disproportionately large nipples), Tim’s parents would always tell him that being named after a woodland mammal would come in handy one day – after all, nobody will ever forget the name ‘Squirrell’. This is probably how Tim developed a pathological need for attention and the validation of his peers.

Described by anonymous strangers as ‘[a] socially unrepresentative asshole’, ‘a dick’, ‘a self-obsessed, attention-seeking waste of time and space’ and ‘that guy who always writes about depression (why does he do that?)’, it’s understandable that he’s somewhat conflicted about whether he’s a Good Person or not.

As such, his articles will consist of shoegazing introspection, raw emotional honesty and nut puns.

Tim’s first column will be out on MONDAY.