New High Speed Rail Network To Girton Announced

Proposed plans to extend the HS2 high speed rail network through Cambridge town centre to Girton have been given the nod of approval, reports SANDY MCCLEERY.

Cambridge University Cindies Far away girton High speed rail network hs2 trains Worst College

In a new development, plans to extend HS2 – the new high-speed rail network from London to Birmingham – to Girton College have been welcomed by all those who have ever found themselves on a walk-of-shame home after a night with a member of the Girton ‘gymslips’. The service would reduce the time taken to get to Girton by ‘up to 2 and a half hours’ according to the Office of Legitimate, Impartial and Equitable Statistics (L.I.E.S).  The trains will travel at speeds of up to 250mph and ministers are adamant that the plans will boost the economy.

The new Girton Express?

The new Girton Express?

The idea to have a branch of the new network run from Cindies to Girton was purportedly suggested by Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister, after he recalled a steamy night in said clubbing establishment during his time at Cambridge in the late 80s. A source from inside the Liberal Democrats told The Tab that during coalition discussions about the future of HS2, Clegg had suddenly remembered the pain of having to reject a female admirer from Girton after a big night on the tiles listening to Fleetwood Mac.

Upon finding out his enthusiastic belle was from Girton, Clegg made his first in a series of historic U-turns regarding University. The first of these U-turns left his belle distinctly unsatisfied; the last left this author with the prospect of a mountain of student debt big enough to compete with any of the ones they make you draw as part of the Geography Tripos. It’s ok – he’s sorry.

Ironically, Girton was originally built away from the highly misogynistic, testosterone-fuelled Colleges in the centre of town to shield its all-female students from the kind of John’s student that hangs around Cindies on their own looking for a pull. As such some are not happy with the proposed extension of HS2, citing concerns about ruining the ‘worthy challenge’ that comes with the Girton walk-of-shame. A third-year Vet from Emma, who wished to remain anonymous, talked to the tab about ruining his dreams of a long-distance relationship with someone from the ‘Dreamy Spires’ of Northwest Cambridge.

Soon to be just 2 minutes journey from the centre of town

Soon to be just 2 minutes journey from the Cambridge town centre

‘I really don’t want the government ruining my chances of intimacy with a girl I could potentially meet from Girton. Being away from each other has its benefits too: more me time, web-cam and a definite reason not to start an actual relationship; which is always a bonus’. Asked about what he meant by the phrase me time, he responded ‘oh animals and stuff’. Take what you will from that.

The plans include a station at Parker’s piece, a via point outside Cindies and then a terminus at Girton itself. If the plans go ahead then disruption could include permanent destruction of the Downing Site and Corpus. Sceptics point out that this could be a little inconvenient but alas the naysayers will always complain about the tiny details, won’t they.