How To Lose Friends And Alienate People: Choosing A Sport In Cambridge.

Here at The Tab, we appreciate how mental the first few weeks of term can be.

As things start to settle down, you’ll soon find that you won’t be able to fit kayak-polo, archery and MMA all into your schedule. The truth is you’re going to have to pick one or two sports to focus on. We understand it can be hard to decide which to stick with and which to abandon, so we’ve thrown together this quick quiz to guide you in the direction of your ideal sport.

How do you feel about Life?

A) I’ve only been here a couple of weeks but it’s already starting to feel like a second home. Why those DJs don’t have Ibiza residencies is a mystery to me.

B) That’s a bit too existential to be asking in a Tab quiz.

C) It’s decent with a group but quite easy to obtain dreaded lone ranger status.

D) Complete dump. A cab to Mahiki and back is far the better option for a night-out.

 

What’s your opinion of 9am lectures?

A) Purely an excuse to get last night’s conquest to evacuate my room. Also, do people know lecturers don’t take a register?

B) Great. Just the thing to kick the day off – it’s just a shame they couldn’t start a bit earlier.

C) I always plan to, but for fuck’s sake…

D) I have them recorded for me so I can peruse them at my own leisure.

 

Why do you play sport?

A) It’s the easiest way to get my “chat” out there and mingle with the lads in a totally masculine way.

B) The burn feels so good!

C) There are worse ways to pass a hung-over weekend than strolling round a field or court.

D) I’ve got to be seen mixing with the right people. It’s all about networking.

 

 

What’s your drink of choice?

A) Whatever’s going to get me fucked. Jaeger’s always a good start.

B) Water.

C) A competitively priced fruity Montepulciano from Sainsbury’s.

D) I’d never say no to a nice resident ale.

 

Answered Mostly A

You’re just such a massive lad! Most sports teams won’t be able to cope with your great chat and uncontrollable high jinks. We suggest you look into RUGBY. If you lack the talent to turn out for the Blues don’t fear, there’s always rugby league or your college team. Many college teams are kitted out with so much stash you could even spend your time strutting around town clasping a protein shake pretending you’re on the path to a pro-contract.

Answered Mostly B

You’re diligent, thrive on early mornings and have a narcissistic streak that a counsellor should probably look in to. You dislike the rowdy nature of the college drinking societies and just don’t dig the Grease medley that tends to close out a night at Cindies. ROWING or SWIMMING are the sports for you. Both sports are incredibly fulfilling to those who have the dedication to keep going with them. An added bonus is that the anti-social time commitment they require mean the only trace of the college lads would be the occasional whiff of Jaeger and piss as you brave a communal kitchen to prepare your early morning porridge, not long after drunken attempts at late night bread cremation have drawn to a close.

Answered Mostly C

You’re pretty well balanced with a broad range of interests that prevent you making any serious time commitments. For you the world of minority college sport is your oyster. COLLEGE MIXED NETBALL, ULTIMATE FRISBEE or WATER POLO are the easiest couple of lines you’re ever going to write on your CV. What better way to show yourself to be both a “team player” and “independent thinker” than to fasten on to a sport that quite frankly is just weird and will at worst demand an hour of your life every couple of weeks. In a year or so you may even find that by virtue of turning up semi-regularly you’ll be able to further impress upon potential employers your great “leadership qualities” and ability to manage a budget.

Answered Mostly D

You’re so raa you’re almost an s. You enjoy the finer things in life, coloured chinos and own at least two thirds of the Crew catalogue.  You can’t be dealing with the necessity of running around yourself and good god you think you look good in a gilet. For you POLO is the way forward. This ultra-inclusive sports club boast Prince Charles as their president, hold a sponsorship deal with Jack Wills and are the only Cambridge sports club to have two “pony managers” on their committee. What’s not to like?