Subbuteo Statue Kicked Into The Long Grass

Plans stall for a statue on Parker’s Piece as a Labour Councillor raises concerns over its “sex and race”. JOE WHITWELL reports.

150th anniversary Association Football caius Cambridge FC cambridge football councillor Kevin Satchell Olympic mascots parkers piece Ramsey Ward Selwyn subbuteo Zoe Moghadas

Plans for a commemorative statue on Parker’s Piece of a Subbuteo referee have run into troubled waters when one Councillor posed delicate questions pertaining to the sex and race of the inanimate figure.

S/he was planned to honour a specific heritage, that of Association Football – the rules of which were based on the Cambridge version of the beautiful game.

Labour Councillor Zoe Moghadas, representing Ramsey Ward, said “one of the points I was raising was whether a white, male iconic figure was the right direction to go for in such a big city.”

In reference to her own family, she added, “my husband is a big football fan – but he was blessed with two daughters and they have been kicking a ball around since they were quite young.”

Kevin Satchell, chairman of Cambridge City FC, said: “This all boils down to
political correctness. Ten years ago no one would have had a problem with putting up a white male referee statue – it’s the stereotypical image of a referee.

Racist or just plain ugly?

There has even been talk of having two referees to cover a broader range of genders and ethnicities. However, with the cost of the original coming in at tens of thousands, and a second 6ft7 figure expected to be triple the price, some are sceptical about such a solution.

Furthermore, many fear that this debate will delay the building of the statue on some of football’s most hallowed ground until at least next year – just in time for the somewhat less significant 151st anniversary.

Luckily for the Council, several Cantabs have come to the rescue with their own solutions:

One Selwyn Engineer suggested “making it out of glass”, whilst another opted for the more creative, “paint it like a zebra and give it a kilt” approach.

A horse shows solidarity by donning the Newcastle strip

Some students urged common sense however. A Compsci insisted that the gender and race concerns were “unfounded” and a Cauis Lawyer produced the old adage that “you can’t please everyone.”

One wise Jesus linguist also warned that caving into this sort of pressure is “how you end up with bizarre geometric designs like the Olympic Mascots”.

Do you have an opinion on the matter? Don’t care one way or the other? Let us know in the comments below.