Claudia Blunt: Week 5

This week, CLAUDIA fights back against the “customary hurricane” that is Week Five.

ADC Brunch claudia blunt column columnist CUSU february single's awareness day valentine's day week 5 Week Five Blues

Take out your tiny violins y’all, and prepare to underscore some more woe and misery. Week Five just rolled into town with its customary hurricane of missed deadlines, midterm flu and financial crises. In my first term at this most esteemed institution, CUSU actually put up posters alerting me to the dangers of ‘Week Five Blues’ and the traditional panic attack that was a rite of passage for all students who were taking things at all seriously.

Yes. That’s all good and well. It might be February, it might be freezing, and you might STILL be waiting for college to provide you with a boiler. All this, however, is absolutely no excuse to go home, draw the curtains and silently weep while you watch last week’s episode of Call the Midwife and gorge on mini eggs.

Get out of bed, you fuckwits. Quit with the moping.

Despite Week Five beginning with single’s awareness day, all is not lost. On Thursday, a good friend and his intensely glamorous girlfriend bumped into me while they were ambling along King’s Parade handing out freshly made Valentine’s cupcakes. They offered me one…because they couldn’t find any Big Issue sellers. The fact that I came next on the list as most desperate, alone and in need of cake was only mildly offensive. It was delicious all the same, so cheers, you guys.

Anything, however, was going to be an improvement on last year. Having only just discovered that my tiny wretch of a boyfriend had been cheating on me, I decided to endure doomsday with my best gal pal. We began by spending a small fortune on lingerie because, dear reader, there is nothing greater in this world for inspiring confidence than a matching set. We returned home, armed with cocktail ingredients and ready for a night merriment involving our new favourite game: reading egregious literotica in the voice of the Queen. Try it; if anything will put a smile on your face, I guarantee it’ll be that.

Dinner didn’t seem to be a priority and we subsequently spent the evening being fabulous and silly – that is, until we ran out of vodka and replenished supplies with two more bottles. We drank the first, and staggered to the ADC with the other, searching for other people drunker than we were. En route, I decided to give my horrible ex a ring, whereby I left a message that went thus: “In the words of Stevie Wonder, I just called to say I love you. OH AND BY THE WAY, nobody puts Blunty in the corner.”

It is here that things begin to get a bit hazy…it transpires that I insisted on showing the entire rammed bar my new bra, so proud was I of my purchase. Appalled that no other reveller was as pissed as we were, we began pouring vodka into people’s pints to help them catch up. Then began the tirade of verbal abuse. I apologise again if you found yourself in the bar on that fateful night. If you were a straight male, I probably shouted at you for not being in love with me. If you were a gay male, you were probably shouted at for being incapable of loving me. If you were a female, I probably found some excuse to shout at you too, although you probably didn’t deserve it.

Upon returning to my friend’s room, I gave myself carpet burn (and not the good kind) by dragging myself to the loo to be sick. I proceeded to insist that I would only leave if the rugby team were summoned to carry me home on a sedan chair.

However you spent Thursday, it must have been better than that.

From now on, my friends, Week Five will not be spent feeling forlorn and glum. This compulsory midterm misery is over. I hereby decree that henceforth, Week Five shall be known simply as Fabulous Five.

Here are some tips for remaining fab this Feb:

1. Walk around town with a soundtrack of Beyoncé constantly blasting through your headphones.
2. Wear sunglasses, even if it’s raining; one should always endeavour to look as if the paparazzi could jump out at any minute.
3.Go get your nails done. All of you, even you boaties. There’s nothing chic about calluses.
4. Go out and dance until every inch of you hurts.
5. Go to the theatre/ cinema/ a concert. Your degree shouldn’t get in the way of you remaining cultured.
6. Read a book…for fun.
7. Invest in a new perfume or aftershave and spray it, as Coco told us, everywhere you want to be kissed.
8. Walk to Grantchester and feel the sun on your face. This is a small town, but it’s easy to break out of when things get too much.
9. Have brunch with your best friend. The most marvelous of meals.
10. Learn all the words to this, and sing it loudly every time you go into a library/ supervision/ practical.

Remember, Cambridge, fabulousness is next to godliness – and I am your Messiah.