Tab Tries: Political Extremism
Bored of the red team and the blue team? JACK EMMINS takes a walk on the wild side of politics.
It was a truth universally acknowledged that British politics had a good party and a bad party, and that conscientious students should probably vote for the good one.
After all, they wore red, and everyone knows the red team wins.
But what was clear became muddied. Why had the red team started a war on the grounds of some questionable intelligence? How did the blue team all know each other before they went into politics? And why had a little yellow team come along and made a lot of big promises?
In light of some recent protest controversy and Mme. Le Pen’s impending visit, I decided to commit a week to trying out the more extreme positions found in Cambridge, hoping the fringes of political thought might provide relief from a stagnant status quo.
Monday: The English Defence League
Following a pork-based English breakfast, I searched for the cause of the recent stir. As it happens, EDL’s Cambridge division are really just charitable, completely non-racist people – the anonymous organiser’s ‘best mate’ is black, apparently.
The website claimed Islamic extremists hide in fear as cries of ‘Muslim bombers, off our streets!’ now echo around our towns. If the EDL has neutralised thousands of terrorists (who previously martyred themselves all over our green and pleasant land) then our counter-insurgency doctrine is really missing a trick.
Though perhaps sporting a misnomer, given nobody wants to be in league with these chaps, they might learn from the now popular Front National. Then again, who needs charismatic leadership, political influence or even structure?
If you like shouting and flags then the EDL will not disappoint.
Tuesday: Unite Against Fascism
I drank water with breakfast – my juice, made with oranges now grown in a Zionist-Fascist (yes, Zionist-Fascist) occupation had been confiscated.
A refreshing antithesis to the EDL, Cambridge UAF cuts to the cancerous heart of Britain’s malaise, fighting ‘the poisonous Nazi Politics of the EDL’, whether they’re there or not.
Utilising words to defeat hate, the Norwich branch recently decided to tell the EDL they were ‘not welcome’. When you consider fixing the economy as secondary to crushing the legions that still rally with impunity, then indignation seems quite reasonable.
If you think you would like shouting at people with flags, this is for you.
Wednesday: The People who still unaccountably hate Thatcher
The morning repast involved a ritualistic sharing of milk, vital to national stability. After playing Mine Craft (Billy Bragg special edition) I decided to meet the most infamous extremists in Cambridge.
I made my way to the King’s bar where I met with Andreas (though his leavers hoody seemed to think he was called George). George pays £9,000 PA for his education. Unlike the people who get really angry about that, though, he prefers to be angry about Thatcher, with edgy disregard for her retirement, senility, and the passage of time. As a member of the Labour Party and Fabian Society, he agrees with Frank Turner’s nuanced consideration that ‘Thatcher F***ed the Kids’.
Though the above sentiment begs for Freudian analysis, if what you seek is Panorama and big red flags, you’ll be amongst friends here.
Thursday: The People who still unaccountably love Thatcher
Having taken San Carlos (my newly-christened English bulldog) for his walkies, I proceeded to open my rations with a Stanley Knife and considered how I might hunt down a Thatcherite, given the university-wide exclusion zone.
I ended up finding one in John’s (gotcha!). I jokingly asked Will, a self confessed Gladstonian Liberal, if Maggie really was the best thing since sliced bread. He muttered something about sticking it up my Junta, but I told him I wasn’t turning for a man who wanted to do that.
Though worship of an ‘Iron Lady’ begs for Freudian analysis, if you like casual jingoism and Union flags and also really like Thatcher, this could definitely be your thing.
Friday: Mild non-partisan Conservatism
After a week’s atypical credulity I encountered this utterly untenable position. The suggestion that well placed spending, smallish government and reasonably regulated capitalism would be quite fine was confusing and fantastical. This was the very worst of extremism in Cambridge. I gave up and spent the day ‘strongly agreeing’ with the Independent Online.
Jack Emmins has subsequently claimed that he intends to spoil his ballot in 2015.