We Wish You An Alternative Christmas

COSMO GODFREE takes you on a tour of the alternative side of festive tunes.

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Christmas, huh? Same old, same old.

The only thing more predictable than people going to church for the only time that year (as if that’s gonna square it with God), is the inevitable internet campaign to get Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit to the coveted Christmas Number One slot. As if Simon Cowell really cares about anything other than making sure his pockets are lined. The music industry may be going down the tube, but even if it doesn’t snow, the bosses at Universal will still be seeing plenty of white powder at the office party.

That’s why we’ve picked our top five alternative Christmas tunes. Enjoy!

5) The Flaming Lips: Christmas at the Zoo


“Dear Santa, please could you bring us some more drugs this year? We used up all of ours recording this Christmas song. Yours, the Flaming Lips.” This hallucinatory tale of childlike innocence is the perfect way to warm the cockles of your heart.

4) The Ramones: Merry Christmas (I Don?t Want To Fight Tonight)


This shouldn’t really work as well as it does, but it turns out all you really need to make a decent Christmas song is some sleigh bells and a cheery message of pacifism! Note: this only applies if you actually are The Ramones.

3) Justin Bieber ft. Boyz II Men: Fa La La


There’s always that one chocolate in the Quality Street tin that nobody actually likes. In this confectionery-based analogy, Boyz II Men are gone within minutes, and Justin Bieber is the leftover. On a side note, I read an article recently about how Bieber finds it hard to hit the high notes now, seeing as his balls have recently dropped? Now, I?m no medic, but surely this should have happened a while ago? He may not look it, but the guy is 17 years old! All I can say is: poor Selena Gomez.

2) Sonic Youth: Santa Doesn?t Cop Out On Dope


This one is NOT recommended listening. As if getting to sleep on Christmas Eve wasn?t difficult enough already, this song will probably inspire night terrors in all but the most hardened noise rock veterans. Oh yeah, and it?s sort of an anti-drugs song too. Could’ve fooled me.

1) Billy Mack: Christmas Is All Around


We have a Christmas winner. Lovely-jubbly.

Merry Christmas from The Tab.