Tab Cribs: St John’s

DUNCAN MAUD tells BEN DALTON a tale of domestic bliss from his room at John’s. Just without a bidet.

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Tab Cribs is continuing to gather steam on its roaring domestic rampage, and this week we visit Duncan Maud’s room at John’s. He guides us round his much-bigger-than-a-shoebox shoebox, in which one will find space enough to do pretty much anything. The room, whilst royal in every other department, sadly boasts no bidet.

Duncan Maud, a second year MML at John’s

Ben Dalton: How did you get this room?

Duncan Maud: I was very near the bottom of the second year doubles ball0t – this is actually a bog standard John’s room, they’re just really nice because it’s John’s.

BD: Is it ever possible to feel spatially limited here?

DM: It’s a pretty big room, but I’d have to go elsewhere to perform a gymnastic floor routine.

Duncan entertaining Dante on his leather sofa

BD: This room is part of a double. Do you walk around in front of your room buddy in your underpants?

DM: No I’m building up to this stage. It will happen one day, whether he likes it or not. He never walks around in front of me in his pants.

BD: If someone is having a tinkle in your bathroom, can everyone hear it?

DM: My roommate doesn’t make much noise when on the toilet.

BD: Any good stories about past owners of this room?

DM: Last year the people in the room upstairs left their bath running which caused the ceiling to collapse and their bathroom to land on our bathroom.

A view to kill

BD: Do you have a bidet?

DM: No, we don’t. It might be nice to have one but I can do without. I clean my bottom with toilet roll. Am I doing it wrong? Apparently bidets are really good for pregnant women. That however isn’t our niche as of yet.

BD: How does your room fare for sexy time?

DM: It’s not the best, but if you’re on good terms with your roommate (and sex partner) then it should be fine. Although I don’t know whether the walls are sound proof or not. I can hear it when my roommate laughs so I could probably hear it if he was enjoying intimacies.

Many thanks Mr Maud. We’ll be calling round again soon for a nice mug of hot Ribena!

Photographs by Tamsin Lim