Uncle A: Being A Lad

UNCLE A gives his advice for organising swaps and being a massive lad.

curry king Drinking Societies Lad Mahal popular Swap the agony uncle uncle a

Hi A,

I’m new here. Amongst all the debauchery, lash and casual sexual encounters that I’ve been fitting round my three human geography essays in Freshers’ Week, I’ve heard about these things called swaps. How do I go about organizing one of these bad boys? Will it make me popular and regarded as something of a lad? What exactly is involved?


Hi Steve,

In answer to one of your questions, yes, organizing swaps will make you ostensibly popular, and as much of a lad as a man can be while he’s living in a castle and translating Virgil for three years.

A swap is basically where a group of blokes from one college and a group of girls from another college who know each other from lectures, supervisions, or sex meet ups, eat a ‘curry’ or some chips and throw small change in each others’ drinks before they are drunk enough to do what they actually came there to do and try and pull each other in Life, while the ones in a relationship smirkingly skulk off home to their guaranteed shag.

It was Stalin who once said: “no man, no problem,” and while he might be talking about porn videos, he probably wasn’t talking about swaps. Either way, his point still stands. On the blokes’ side, always bring as few men as is socially acceptable, because an integral part of swapping is pairing off and trying to shag. If you bring as many men as the girls say they will bring, you run the risk of a) being trapped between the two Phys NatSci munters who will talk to you about tachyons and the God particle all night which, while potentially interesting, does not provide a great soundtrack to the intermittent bestiality-related fines which will erupt from either side of the table; or b) even worse, having girls drop out at the last minute (happens a lot), thus having more boys and even more frustration come Don’t Stop Believin’ in Cindies.

If it’s not going well for you, try sending out an early fine for “anyone in a relationship,” which may well divert more attention to you, and not the smug wanker opposite you who calls himself your friend but is actually cockblocking you via his natural charisma. It’ll also give you a chance to narrow down your targets by filtering out the unavailable. Be advised that you must have at least moderately good chat or banter for this to work because many girls would rather talk to someone interesting and go home shagless rather than stare down the barrel of a night with someone who is likely even less interesting in bed than conversation.

I hope this helps, Steve, but don’t let me know either way.

All the best,