Where Are All The Lesbians?: The Tab Surveys The Freshers

A Tab survey of this year’s freshers has uncovered a number of surprising findings.

In the last two weeks of September, we anonymously surveyed 546 freshers – over a seventh of the entire year group – on a range of factors including sex, drugs, and attitudes towards Cambridge.

We can exclusively reveal that:

– The number of homosexual male freshers is more than TEN TIMES the number of homosexual females

– Nearly 40% of freshers are VIRGINS

– Over a third have tried cannabis, with MDMA and mephedrone the next most popular drugs

– 60% are ‘TERRIFIED about the workload’

– State pupils worry their peers will be richer than them, while their private counterparts think ‘Cambridge will be a lot like school’

WHERE ARE ALL THE LESBIANS?

One of the most interesting discoveries is the huge gulf in numbers between gay and lesbian freshers.

Among males, 81.7% identify themselves as straight, with 8.96% homosexual, and 7.9% bisexual.

But the number of lesbian students could not be more different. Whilst 92.5% identified as straight, only 3.75% said they were bisexual.

And only TWO respondents, or 0.83%, said they were lesbians.

“I’m not surprised by the findings”, said Jane*, a second year who has attended a number of LGBT events.

“The gay scene for women in Cambridge is tiny: at our speed dating events, one of the biggest in the calendar, we’re lucky to attract 20 girls.

“It’s still more socially acceptable for a man to be gay and far more for women to identify as bisexual – especially at such a conservative university”.

VIRGIN MEGASTORES

Despite recent survey showing increases in teenage sex, Cambridge freshers still remain relatively inexperienced.

38.35% are virgins, with 23.67% having one sexual partner, and 11% having two.

A hardcore of serial shaggers (3.12%) say they have slept with over 30 people.

“From my first few days, it doesn’t look like Cambridge will be a fruitful hunting ground”, said Dan*, at Emma.

Overall, males average 3.75 sexual partners, with females trailing behind on 2.52.

History of Art students lead the way in number of conquests, with PPS not far behind:

History of Art: 7.6
PPS: 7.44
MML: 6.84
English: 6.32
Classics: 5.73

WEED LOVE IT

Freshers are less reserved when it comes to drug use, however. 35.35% have smoked cannabis, with MDMA and mephedrone both enjoying a resurgence, despite the banning of the latter in April.

Drug use in percentages:

Alcohol: 94.51%
Tobacco: 54.21%
Cannabis: 35.35%
MDMA: 10.07%
Mephedrone: 7.14%
Cocaine: 6.59%
Ketamine: 5.86%
Magic Mushrooms: 5.86%
Solvents: 4.4%
LSD: 3.85%
None of the above: 5.49%

Private school pupils take more drugs than those from state education: 36% have smoked cannabis compared to 31% from state schools.

They also take more cocaine – 8.8% have tried the notoriously expensive drug, compared to 6.5% from the state sector.

Small minorities have tried magic mushrooms, LSD and even solvents.

5.86% say they have never taken drugs of any kind, including alcohol.

WORK IT

Our survey also confirms what many have thought for years – that Cambridge students fear becoming chronically overworked.

58.3% of incoming freshers agreed with the statement ‘I’m terrified about the workload’.

“From the first few days, it seems that the environment consists of a group of people who have been able to relatively coast for their lives, and now have to work far harder than they ever have”, said Gordon, a first-year mathematician at Clare.

But surprisingly, it is arts students who worry the most.

Despite having one of the lowest amounts of contact time, theologians are the most stressed, with 85% agreeing with the statement. They are closely followed by MML, on 83%, and English, on 70%.

SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS

In one part of the survey, respondents were asked whether they agreed with a number of different statements.

The question exposed the insecurities of state school pupils: 36% said they were ‘worried everyone will be richer than me’, compared to just 8.4% of private school pupils.

But 76% of those at fee-paying schools said they ‘can’t wait to leave home’.

And 18.5% said their parents ‘significantly affected my decision to apply to Cambridge’. A quarter of land economists – dominated by private schools – agreed with the statement.

“My preconceptions were that everyone would be from a public school and we would sit and discuss Tolstoy and strong political views at a candlelit, Latin-filled dinner”, said Josie Parkinson, a fresher at Cauis.

“Fortunately I’ve meet a whole range of people, with very few of the privileged – or as one boy put it, ‘posh boy cunts’.

“I’d also worried that there would be loads of pallid cellar-dwellers, but everyone here is so friendly!

“Basically it’s exceeded my expectations, which were already very high – although no-one has pennied me yet!”

On a more heartening note, a whopping 74.1% said, ‘There is nothing else in the world I would rather be doing than taking my place at Cambridge this year’.

*some names have been changed