Falcons Hammer Rivals Ruskin

Cambridge 9 – 1 Anglia Ruskin

In the week that saw Glasgow’s Celtic and Rangers collide in a typically fiery Old Firm clash, Cambridge’s two main academic institutions also clashed in the U.K’s biggest footballing derby of all; Cambridge University Falcons versus Anglia Ruskin University. 

This was, however, a slightly more one-sided affair than typical local derbies, with the Falcons running out comfortable 9-1 victors as Max Wolke helped himself to a hat-trick, with Ross Broadshaw and Keiron Anderson (dubiously) scoring two apiece.

Despite the one-sided scoreline, it was not until the half hour mark that the deadlock was broken.

The Falcons did spurn a golden chance on 15 minutes however, as a controversial penalty decision gave Broadshaw the chance from 12 yards; his right footed effort sailed harmlessly over the bar though, to the delight of the travelling Ruskin brigade.

The first goal arrived 15 minutes later in strange fashion, as a scuffed goal-kick from the dodgy Ruskin keeper fell to Danny Kerrigan, whose side footed effort rebounded off the post and fell to Anderson.

Faced with an empty net from 6 yards, his ‘tap in’ attempt seemed to be sailing wide of the left post until a flying left-arm from Ruskin’s ‘keeper knocked the ball back on course and into the bottom corner, much to the amusement of the Falcons bench.

The attempt was, Anderson later claimed, “never in doubt”; though those on the sideline remain convinced it was an own-goal.

The following 15 minutes saw the Falcons push comfortably ahead and kill the game as a contest. Broadshaw’s first goal came on 35minutes after clever work from the dangerous dynamo Danny Kerrigan played him through one on one, before he calmly beat the centre-half and slotted the ball home.

Kerrigan then deservedly grabbed a goal of his own after a clever ball from Tom Balling on the right wing saw him race ahead before confidently firing across the face of the keeper and into the far left corner.

Balling and Kerrigan were also involved in the Falcons’ fourth, as neat work on the right wing between the two allowed Kerrigan to square into the box where Wolke was able to reach the ball before the onrushing keeper and poke it into the empty net.

The travelling side did manage to grab an early consolation goal, in the 56th minute of a marathon first half, as a cross from the right caused problems for the Falcons back four, who had looked comfortable until this point.

A near post flick-on found the Ruskin left winger who coolly flicked the ball over his own shoulder and into the top corner of the helpless Chris Ellis’ net.

Half time saw Jesus’ Aki Laakso replace Kerrigan, who had been struggling with a hamstring strain, whilst ARU’s attempts to substitute a midfielder were stopped by the referee, who refused to allow a player seen drinking several cans of Australia’s finest amber nectar in the first half onto his pitch.

After the fleeting glimpse of an ARU fightback before half-time, normal service was resumed on 60minutes, as Laakso made his early mark, finishing well after a superb through ball from centre half Revel found him clean through on goal.

Revel was then replaced by Pete ‘Hannibal Lecter’ Stovell whose scary facial attire reportedly saw local schoolchildren fleeing from nearby sports pitches.

The following fifteen minutes saw the Falcons add a further three to their tally. These included a composed volleyed finish from right back Chris ‘Kinky’ Kingcombe, who had been an attacking threat down the right side all day, and a rather embarrassing ‘David Seaman moment’ for the Ruskin ‘keeper, who allowed Wolke’s right footed corner to sail straight into his goal.

With fifteen minutes to go, Wolke completed his hat-trick, atoning for Broadshaw’s earlier miss with a cool penalty after a blatant trip on the edge of the ARU box.

Onlooking Blues skipper Michael ‘Mojo’ Johnson attributed the calm finish to Wolke’s German heritage and his “icy veins” under pressure.

The game ended with the Falcons down to only 9 men owing to injuries to replacement left-back Gerrett and centre forward Anderson. Despite this, the remaining players were little troubled by their opponents, owing in no small part to the Fosters-loving ARU replacement who had finally been allowed onto the pitch, only to stagger about harmlessly in the centre circle.

The Falcons now only need to draw their one remaining league fixture to clinch the title and secure promotion.

Tab Man of the Match: Chris Kingcombe.

The Falcons are set to take on the Oxford Centaurs in their Varsity match at Grange Road this Saturday at 3pm. For more information click here

CUAFC are proudly sponsored by Cantab Capital Partners.