Haiku Reviews

Can’t be arsed to read 600 words? ROB YOUNG and KEN CHENG review films using haikus.

cheng Cinema Film haiku Movie young

Everyone loves films, but we don't always have time to read the essays some writers pass off as reviews. With this in mind we set two of our writers a challenge: to write as many film reviews as possible in Haiku form. With just seventeen syllables to play with they had to put their reviewing might to the test.

Rob's Haikus

One thing in my mind
When I think about Na’vi:
How do they have sex?

The Godfather

Corleone gives
An offer you can’t refuse
Or a horse’s head.

Bad Boys II
Some street-wise black dudes
Don’t like some Hispanic dudes.
This shit just got real.

Jason Statham needs
Adrenaline to survive.
Cue drugs, guns and sex.

Transformers II
Robots in disguise
Who don’t make films exciting
Should be disguised more.

Mamma Mia
As embarrassing
As a lap dance from your Nan.
Old women can’t dance.

Blood and chaos reigns,
Beware the rusty scissors,
Not a date movie.

Ken's Haikus

Nice shiny effects
Like rocks are flying at me
Oh, dances with wolves.

The Phantom Menace
This will be awesome
Wait, who is this Jar Jar Binks?
George rapes my childhood

Attack of the Clones
Stop raping me George
Fucking Hayden Christensen
Ooh, Padme's midriff

Revenge of the Sith

I heard this was good
Did Lucas redeem himself?
To quote Vader, “Noooooooooooooooooooooo”

In The Loop

Fuck up on TV
Vulgar Scotsman swears a lot
We invade Iraq

The Godfather Part II
Michael is betrayed
But he forgives his brother
Then they go fishing…

The Usual Suspects
Greatest twist movie
I dont care about spoilers
Spacey is Sozé.

American Beauty

Just a normal guy
Starts smoking weed and perving
So he gets shot dead

Long boring movie
Except at 2 hour mark
Winslet gets naked

This film confuses me
So I get the DVD
And watch it forward

Robots in disguise-
Michael Bay has ADD
More than meets the eye!