Down It Fresher

Their Presidents would have you believe it’s harder to get into than the Freemasons, major politicians have tied themselves in agonising knots trying to deny any involvement with the sordid antics of any particular one and Rupert Murdoch rubs his hands in glee come Suicide Sunday because it’s a safe bet they’ll make into most of his eminent publications. I speak, of course, of drinking societies, a staple of college life and shrouded in their own unique initiation ceremonies, customs and qualifications for entry. Many of you will end up in at least one (possibly via way of A&E) and initiation ceremonies range from ‘irresponsible binge drinking’ to ‘definite case for stomach pumping’ to ‘near certain death’. Once you’re in, you’ll be in the swapping circle, a pool of eligible men and women who arrange inter-college swaps at esteemed bastions of Cambridge culture such as the Mahal and the top floor of Gardis. Ladies and Gentlemen, you’ve officially made it.

Of course, back in the halcyon days of the mid-20th century, drinking societies may have been equally debauched, but there was no such thing as Facebook. Undoubtedly, it’s enriched all our lives – where else can you play Farmville and have a middle name like, ‘Lashmonkey’ or ‘Danger’ – but for the drinking society, it has somewhat compromised the secrecy of its customs and philosophy. Now every drinking society worth its salt will have a Facebook page, and although little old Joe Bloggs can’t just join the group (invite only, thank you very much), it’s still perfectly possible to see the group description and therefore, to gain a little insight into the peculiarities of many of Cambridge’s most notorious groups. So for the coming weeks, The Tab will be publishing the Facebook details of a number of groups – minus the name of the college – so you can have a look at who (or what) you’re swapping with. First up, the so-called Slippery Nipples…

Name: The Slippery Nipples!!

Description: Its not my fault we have wide set vaginas and heavy flows. Don’t penny. It’s rude. Don’t go back to boys’ rooms. Make them trek up the hill just to check that they’re worth it. Don’t bring girls back. Go back to theirs. Stay away from the evil porter. He’ll only throw you degrading looks and make you doubt yourself and your lifestyle. Don’t worry. You and it are awesome. We are awesome. Everyone else is gay. There’s only one slippery nipples, there’s only one slippery nipples.

S – sex
L – lube
I – igloos
P – perfume
P – penis
E – effort
R – rimming
Y – yeah boi [sic]

N – never
I – in me
P – penetration
P – photo failure
L – lame penis
E – easy
S – shrews

Location: My anal passage, Lagos, Nigeria

Recent news

Recent news includes much oompa loompa sex. The guilty parties were caught by the orange body paint located in and around certain orifices. You know who you are.

There was a moment when I was walking down the aisle and I said to my dad, I dont want to do this. He said ‘count to ten’ and don’t tell the welfare officer about that time you hit the kid.