I ate like a caveman for a week and hated it

For the future of dieting you have to look to the past.

The paleo or “caveman” diet involves eating only to the kind of foods humans living 10,000 years ago could scavenge and hunt. This means plenty of meat, fish, seasonal fruit, veg and nuts and avoiding modern inventions such as cheese, milk, pasta and bread.

Advocates of the paleo diet promise weight loss, lower cholesterol, clearer skin, better working digestive system, more energy and just looking and feeling better.

So I decided to see if the diet lives up to the hype and whether “cave-student” can really be a thing.

Day  1

First things first, groceries have to be local and meat has to be grass-fed. According to the Paleo app, “local” includes bananas and most beef in supermarkets. I stock up on all organic fruit, meat and veg at Sainsbury’s and the bill for a half a week’s worth of food comes to an expensive £32.56.

The first Paleo recipe I try out is a mushroom and leek omelette. Doesn’t it look lovely.

Almost all the meals require stock. So I make a broth out of oxtail by slow cooking it for six hours. My beef and butternut squash stew takes another six. My housemates are starting to get concerned about the electricity bill.

The stew is too sweet and feels like it’s missing something without any potatoes or bread.

Day 2

Rushing to my 9am, I wish a slice of toast or a granola bar were valid options, but grain is strictly forbidden. Instead a pair of boiled eggs will do.

Lunch is a bland salad of courgettes and leafy greens prepared at home.

For dinner, I bake seabass with fresh ginger and garlic. Two lessons learned: Seabass is delicious and carrots are no substitute for chips.

I go to bed starving and dream of Jason Donervan.

Day 3

Banana for breakfast.

Lunch is warmed up stew, which has now lost any lingering appeal.

For dinner I stick some chicken breast in the oven with lemon and parsley and roast veg.

Day 4

Despite a lie-in, I feel abnormally fatigued all day today – probably something to do with the lower blood sugar levels. I’m also chronically hungry. Never before have I appreciated the beauty of bread.

Seeking a snack that can actually keep me satisfied for more than 10 minutes, I try out “paleo bread” made with coconut flour and ground flaxseed.

Second bill of the week: £12.30.

The whole process is much easier without real flour, but the result is a brown salty brick.

Day 5

I’ve been dreaming of chocolate. When I open the cupboard to fetch some fruit for breakfast my flatmate’s Nutella is staring me in the face. The bastard.

The six avocados are starting to go off, so I mash up a few up with tomatoes and red onions and make a quick guacamole.

Sadly there’s nothing I can really eat it with other than my salty bread brick.

I’m starting to actually envy vegans. At least they can eat carbs.

Salmon is next on the menu. I fry it up with some lemon and parsley (again) and serve it with a large salad of courgettes, rocket, carrot and apricot.

This is the most filling meal I’ve had so far. Despite the persistent hunger, getting more than enough of my five-a-day makes me feel slightly better about myself.

Day 6

I’m beginning to appreciate how important food is for my emotional state. I’m constantly starving. If I want to eat something, I have to make it from scratch. Even then I’m never full. I’m constantly pining for snacks but all I have is carrots and grapes. My flatmates are eating chips and fish fingers and they have no idea how lucky they are.

I decide to make a good effort for breakfast and I knock up a fruit salad of strawberries, blueberries, blackberries and banana and top it with honey and leftover flaxseed. Although the flax tastes like mud, this is probably the sweetest thing I’ve had all week.

Day 7

I search for a pancake recipe, but every Paleo website I’ve come across prompts me to sign up to their mailing list. These are the most entrepreneurial hippy wankers I’ve ever come across.

The paleo pancakes I attempt use coconut oil, coconut flour and coconut milk and they completely fail. It crumbles in the pan like stale cake.

Coconut flour simply isn’t a substitute for the real thing.

I’ve ran out of food and I refuse to spend any more money this week. All I have left are carrots. All I can think about is the giant Domino’s I’m going to order tomorrow.

My body probably benefitted from the week’s rejuvenation of minerals, vitamins and antitoxins.

But if there’s one thing I learned, it’s to never go full caveman and never to trust hippies.