This YouTube beat poet will make you cringe

The inane ramblings of a wannabe edgy Bristol student…

Ladies and gentlemen, we introduce you the new titan of English literature – a man who’s sure to go down alongside Shakespeare and Milton as one of the greatest poets of all time.

Nah, we’re just joking – this rubbish makes Dappy seem like an intellectual colossus.

His name is Charlie Makepeace and he’s a veterinary student. Overwhelmed with peculiar passion, this Bristol student decided to stand in an empty record shop and ramble on for four minutes about how great the music industry is, uploading the resulting mess on to YouTube.

Overcome with bizarre passion for music

Overcome with bizarre passion for music

We’re not quite sure whether this is a poem, a rap or some sort of disturbed speech, like the ramblings of an off-his-face Pete Doherty, but Charlie seems convinced what he’s saying is incredibly profound.

Gesturing wildly and enthusiastically like a desperate David Moyes, he even occasionally changes his accent to sound “cool”.

Our new spiritual leader

Our new spiritual leader

He begins his diatribe against the English language with the line “some say the music industry is dead and gone, but I say it’s here and standing strong”, following it up with a defence of club music which is about “the beats and the drops…maybe you’re high on pills…or you just toot rock” [toot rock means smoke crack].

But it’s rap music Charlie likes the best because of “the way they can intertwine their words so intricately and the way you can grasp their concepts so quickly”. Unfortunately, we’re not sure it’s possible to say the same about Makepeace’s attempt.

'When the bass kicks in you can't stop' delivered in a disturbing voice

‘When the bass kicks in you can’t stop’ delivered in a disturbing voice

Charlie then talks about the wonders of music festivals – “they stand there like intrepid warriors, to see their bands face to face, it’s incredible”. Notably absent from this section is the image of bottles of piss flying about, shit on the floor and weird middle-aged, straggly-haired men shouting abuse at everyone.

After ending his passionate speech, Charlie seems to realise how bizarre the whole situation is and stands there awkwardly for a few seconds.

Awkwardly standing still at the end

Awkwardly standing still at the end

Sadly, this video did not achieve its purpose: it made us hate the music industry and hope it collapses in a ball of hell fire.

This article was originally published on The Tab Bristol.