A Christmas list for all of your most typical UoB students

Stuck on what to ask for for Christmas? We’ve got you

3 years ago

With mass testing cutting short our first term, Christmas is beginning earlier than expected. This means you can scrounge off your parent’s free food for longer. Christmas is about giving after all.

It also means your parents (or shall we say mums) are beginning to hound you for a Christmas list because, let’s be honest, no one wants to be put through the painful reassurance of “no I love it!” as you receive a ghastly sequinned tracksuit bottom with “juicy” bedazzled over the bottom, classy.

The Birmingham Tab has given you the best gift you could ask for, a Christmas list specially selected for your typical UoB students seen walking around campus. I apologise in advance to anyone with a god complex.

Fiat 500 Gym Girls

We see you with your puffer jackets, and we may even resent how put together you appear bar squatting whilst the rest of us are sweating one out on the treadmill.

Here’s a list that may appeal to you gym bunnies:

• Gymshark leggings

Two seconds in the Sports and Fitness Centre and you’d think we were sponsoring Gymshark. The aesthetically pleasing, comfortable and sure not to give you a camel toe leggings are worth the small fortune. The creator was born and bred in Brum so it’s basically helping the local economy, right?

• Anything from Charlotte Tilbury

The lingering Black Friday sales are blessing the creepy ads that appear on our phones and CT are showing some promising steals. Up to 40% off products ranging from the magic cream – the one that looks like the Nivea moisturiser – to her gorgeous palettes where you get (the almost too generous amount) four shades. Enjoy guys!xox

• Black Opium perfume

If you are going to go to the gym, you can’t be smelling like you’ve actually worked out. A couple (or a dozen) sprays of this perfume will transform you into a walking billboard for the product.

Econ Boys

Calling all Rishi Sunak wannabes. I realise The Birmingham Tab is hardly The Spectator but don’t worry, just have a mind-numbing conversation about Corona cases in Buckinghamshire afterwards and it’ll make up for it.

• Red wine or whisky

Sadly, for this group, drinking red wine and whisky is not a seasonal occasion. Safe to say, they put the boujee in student life; I mean, I think we all would appreciate the finer things in life if we too had a place at Daddy’s firm at the end of uni.

• Signet ring

Because you can’t keep telling people you lived in Chamberlain in first year.

• Richard Branson’s autobiography `The Virgin Way`

Do I need to explain?

Nitties

Basically nocturnal, Christmas dinner will definitely be their first meal of the day. Instead of playing in the snow, I’m sure these presents will keep them entertained.

• Galaxy lights

A staple. If you don’t have these already, then you probably don’t belong to this group. The projection of being underwater has an oddly calming effect. It’s definitely always a vibe when these babies are switched on.

• Air Force One (but dirty)

The squeaky brightness of brand new air forces is a tad too triggering for our modern day Dracula’s. They need to appear as if they actually go outside on the regular so take them for a 5 minute walk around Selly and they should be up to standard.

• £10,000

Someone’s going to have to be the first to go down and my bets are on this group. I’m sure the house party will be worth it though.

Indie Boys

Despite their insistence that they are unique from everyone else, one stroll around campus and it appears this group has become as common as the charts.

• Cargo trousers

You automatically look cooler wearing a pair of these bad boys. Have a gander at Zara or Topman and they will sort you right out.

• A Spotify premium account

This is purely so they can listen to bands no one has ever heard of. If they have less than 200 followers it is certified indie trash.

• Non-prescription glasses

Glasses just add to the mystery that is the indie boy. Their brooding persona will have the fiat 500 girls squatting harder and lower.

The Environmentalists

This group makes my proud job of recycling (film off, then recycle it) look like a pageant girl declaring her undying wish for world peace. The mere sight of this list is going to get you guys more excited than the thought of Sir David Attenborough himself.

• Depop or Etsy anything

Helping out local companies is a good chunk of their personality so sourcing your gifts from these sites will be an automatic hit. If you happen to order something from Amazon, for your own safety cover your traces; maybe even send it to your next door neighbour because they are like the sniffer dogs from Tektu if any Amazon delivery person comes within a metre of the house.

• Vegan cooking book

Support them in dispelling the myth all vegans eat is a piece of broccoli with a side of carrot.

•Yoga mat

Because they need a break from saving the world at some point. Incense burning, the silence from Shivasna, and they’ll most probably still be worrying about global warming. It’s the nicer setting that counts.

Tea Lovers

Even when you forget to drink your tea; it’s mere presence gives you the type of high the nitties spend £30 on. Whether you are part of the UoB tea society or could start your own programme of Man vs. Tea; this is a list of must-haves for tea lovers.

• Pukka advent calendar

If you haven’t got one yet I strongly suggest you do. For every day, you get a different flavoured tea bag and it’s heaven on Earth, except the day you get the liquorice flavour, then it’s just Earth and I’m not entirely sure people are thrilled with Earth right now.

• T2- Jade mountain flavour

This is the god of all flavours. You are basically drinking Nutella from a cup (apologies to those with nut allergens).

• A tea strainer

If you are a true tea lover, you know loose leaf tea is superior to the bagged tea. Not only does it give you a stronger flavour, it just feels more comforting (this article has me thinking I’m more suited for the advertising life).