I’m an awful dancer. Everyone else seems to know how to move in time with the music – all I know is how to emulate a cat with rigor mortis that is being shaken by the tail. I find it very difficult to attract girls with my moves. Do you have any tips?
I Don’t Feel Like Dancing
Dear I Don’t Feel Like Dancing,
What you need to remember is that your body is an extension of your soul. While you practice the moves I’m about to teach you, you must allow yourself to let go and FEEEEEL the music. This is the only way that girls are ever going to fancy you.
1. The Latin-inspired move
Ricky Martin. Strictly Come Dancing fave Anton du Beke. My old Economics teacher. What do these arguably suspect men all have in common?
Snake hips, that’s what! The ultimate dance pulling power lies in the ability to wiggle and wriggle those hips like an oiled-up ferret. The key is to not overanalyse and let yourself go. Make sure to get a good swirling, twisting motion going and don’t be afraid to throw in a few thrusts every now and then for good measure. Loosey goosey is the name of the game for this one my friend. In terms of the upper body, let your shoulders and upper back roll from side-to-side, back-and-forth, wherever the music takes them. For added impact undo your shirt to your bellybutton. For maximum effect, book a chest wax in advance, and make sure to bronze up. Think Ken, of Ken and Barbie. Pull-factor: 8.3
2. The Hip-Thrust-Lasso
Second only to the Knee Dance, this is the top way of getting Lizard-laid.
This is a particularly easy move because it allows the dancer plenty of artistic license and spontaneity. First, raise your right arm above your head, elbow parallel to ear, and imagine you are aiming to lasso a buffalo or elephant or something. Maintain a continuous circular movement from the elbow upwards, anti-clockwise is best, and this forms the basis of the move. Now it gets a bit more complex. Form a fist with your left palm. Good so far. In a combo of a punch/grab, lunge at the air (in the Lizard this will require acute spatial awareness; in Venue 1, you pretty much have free reign) and then pull towards yourself whilst thrusting your hips in the direction of your extended hand. Imagine you are riding a bucking bronco to help perfect this Western-inspired dance move. Girls will literally fall at your feet in wonderment. This one is best used in large, barn-like spaces (The Bop is good for training.) Pull-factor: 9.5 for cowgirls, 7 for your average St Andrean lady.
3. The Knee Dance
This is a difficult move that takes immense suppleness to perfect. However, once mastered, I assure you this is an absolute babe-magnet.
First – the legs. Imagine playing an accordion with your knees and you’re on the money. Flex those legs and open and close your knees like an hyperventilating oompa band. Think Elvis with a few bourbons down him after a hard day riding ponies in Graceland and you have it nailed. Next – the arms. Flexible wrists are the order of the day. You may need to warm them up first. Rotate your hands, the left clockwise, the right anticlockwise, and flail your elbows as excessively as your joints permit. Elbow action = action. Finally – bring in the legs. Continue this move as you advance, step by step, towards all the ladies in the room. If they retreat, they are clearly turned on by this move and are giving chase. Winner. Good for all occasions. Pull-factor: 10
Go forth and get your groove on.