Getting feisty on eBay

1.  Don’t bid on something that is 99p with nine days to go. It will go up, don’t waste your time.

2.  The ‘watch list’ is your friend. Adding things to the ‘watch list’ is the equivalent of hiding in the clothing rails of topshop with a pair of binoculars, constantly ready to beat any bitch out of the way that wants that beaded white see-through crop top more than you. It’s like that, but without the hunger and fatigue. When you have an hour to go, that’s the time to spring into action.

3.  Don’t bid on random stuff you don’t need or want. Use the watch list as a way of having a cheeky re-examination. If you still want it after a week then get cracking.

4.  Don’t go mental. If someone in Lancashire is upping the stakes by 5p every three minutes and you’re thinking of getting rowdy, or worse, triumphantly beating them by bidding a ridiculous amount of money: Breathe. How much do you want the ‘vintage’ woollen jumper? Is it worth fifteen pounds? Probably not. Go to Barnardos.

5.  However, if you really want to beat your opponent you need to put in an hour of serious bidding. Put your ‘maximum bid’ at the top level you want to go. It doesn’t instantly show up so your competitors will spend a good half an hour trying to one-up you by three pence, only to be instantly told that they have been outbid. It’s a psychological game. Fuck with them.

6.  If someone surpasses your maximum bid and you still really want it, wait until there is a minute to go and bid at least a pound extra. Your opponent will spend fifteen seconds thinking ‘oh man, do I want it that much?’ etc etc and, if you’re lucky, will fall at the last hurdle.

7.  If they don’t give up and trump you with a tenner, be prepared to give up. Don’t get caught up in bidding mania. Be prepared to admit that some people have more money and want the crusty tee-shirt more than you. You’ll probably survive.

8.  I haven’t tried it myself, but I imagine if you send the seller a message directly you could probably avoid the aforementioned activities and come to an ‘arrangement’ – if you don’t have the money they want, you can always use your body.  

Happy bidding!