How to fake it at Sussex
Abide by these rules or you’ll be cast away
As you make your way through university life at Sussex, you'll find that there will be something wrong with your belief systems, fashion sense, hobbies, or basically anything that could be criticised by the Brighton consensus. Here is our unofficial guide on how to avoid complete humiliation during your time here.
Approach people in the smoking area at Skint and let them know that the materialist world is void of meaning. Throw away your designer clothes and iPhone, then start a commune in the East Slope courtyard. Listen to George Harrison on the only possession you still own – a Crosby record player – and learn the sitar.
Talk very loudly about your gap year
Mention everything you learned in Thailand while you were sat on beaches smoking weed and drinking cocktails.
Start a petition
Demonstrate your political side to the university community by creating a petition with the explicit intention of banning something you find deeply repellent, like Kit-Kats. The Telegraph will pick up on your activism and call you a snowflake. You'll vomit from the offence.
Exclusively smoke roll-ups
Preferably Amber Leaf. Talk about how you miss the old yellow boxes. When anyone offers you a straight make a huge thing about how weak they are.
Dabble in psychedelics and talk endlessly about your spiritual enlightenment
"The colours, man. I can't even explain. I just felt at one with the world. I could see music. The panic attack I had when I thought grass was little goblins? Oh no, that was nothing."
Brighten up your Instagram with vibrant photos of North Laine
I can promise that everyone will be impressed by the originality.
Get a new tattoo
Put a candid on Insta. Do a few paragraphs about its meaning.
Hide your middle class upbringing and join the Marxist society
Campaign with them and the Labour Party society despite it being detrimental to the income of your parents that you live off. Try to start chants of "OH JEREMY CORBYN" in the Haunt. Get shut down by football boys singing louder than you and complain about their political apathy.
Buy a pair of harem pants
Essential. No Sussex outfit is complete without a pair of curtains draped over your legs. Wear them everywhere.
Start a band
"Yeah bro, it's like country mixed with punk, mixed with acid house, mixed with neo-psychedelia."
Play one gig at East Slope and split up because of creative differences.
When you finish, drive off to the big city with a 30k a year job, and tell everyone it was 'just a phase'
Yeah, maybe for a while your favourite tutor was ketamine, but the real world called and wants to know what you've been up to for the past three years. Time to put that knowledge of the Marxist theory of value to good use.