Patrick Leigh-Pemberton: On a sinister library system

Have you been in the library this term? I have, a couple of times, and there is something new, something sinister, something invasive going on. I do not know if you have noticed, because when you aren’t reading articles on The Stand you’re probably a very diligent library person – one who at no point looks around to take in the sights. Do you know what I am talking about yet? Can you see it? Look around you one more time, and see if you can spot this new terrifying feature of our library existence. That is right: a little card on the desk in front of you, telling you what to do if something is ruining your otherwise perfect library experience. It has a number you can text, with your location, and the library staff will come and sniff out the perpetrators to berate them on your behalf.

Have you heard of the term “snitch”? Or perhaps “grass”? I don’t want to paint the university experience as an “us against them” situation, because it isn’t. The library staff are universally helpful, doing sterling services on our behalves (could this be a cunning disclaimer, designed to allay any hostility from readers sympathetic to these wonderful people, or is it just here to show my support? No one will know), but there seems to be an increasingly terrifying aspect of rule creation and enforcement in the library that strikes me as divisive.

The huge signs saying silence were one thing, and I like them, but asking us to denounce each other in this way is not just disturbing; it could even be counterproductive. No quiet zone conversation lasts as long as the time it takes for someone to receive a text, walk through the library, and identify the miscreant. Nor does eating an illicit apple, or taking the lid off your keep cup. So all this service does is make it possible for one irritated person to irritate another by forcing them to go on a wild goose chase. And if it does work, and the people get caught, what would that do?

I have sat in the same section of the library for about three years now, and over the last two there was a persistent crowd of conversation makers. They got asked to be quiet perhaps three times a day. They didn’t stay quiet. They never got asked to leave. Once when they laughed quite loudly a German postgrad actually stabbed one of them in the face with a biro (although I might have dreamt that last bit) – other than that there were no repercussions. So the system is unproductive.

But that isn’t the problem with the system. Even if it worked, it would still be upsetting. If someone is annoying you in the library, why don’t you speak to them yourself? Why don’t you say something along the lines of “ other people are trying to work here, why can’t you show them some respect?” Hiding behind someone else’s badge is not going to make these irritants stop, because the library staff have things to do, and they walk away after one quick reprimand. But if you ask nicely, and then back up your request with dirty looks upon any repeat offences, your fellow student should feel ashamed enough to stop. And if they don’t, then you can have a feeling of wonderful smug superiority for the rest of the day. And what could be nicer than that?