Imogen Clarke: How To Trip and Fall with Grace

For those of you who, like me, are somewhat incapable of maintaining balance on two feet whilst in public, these are the best ways to trip and (sometimes) fall with grace and dignity.

In the short month I’ve had at St Andrews, one of the first (and arguably strangest) things I’ve noticed is the lack of even walking surfaces. For someone who already possesses a skill for tripping over a perfectly flat surface, and has a love of clunky-soled shoes, this poses a big problem. Yet, rather than look upon my daily 2km walk from DRA to my lectures as a 25-minute motor skill challenge, I’ve been using it as a steep learning curve. So for those of you who, like me, are somewhat incapable of maintaining balance on two feet whilst in public, these are the best ways to trip and (sometimes) fall with grace and dignity.

1. ‘It Never Happened’

This is a firm favourite of mine, though most definitely reserved for those moments of tripping where an actual full-blown fall is not involved. That one quite obviously did happen. The trick is very simply to just carry on at whatever pace you’re walking at, continuing any conversation you may be having at the time or keeping your head down. Anyone you’re with will soon forget your physical blunder while you dazzle them with verbal wit and charm, or you’ll outpace/fall behind any other pedestrians who then won’t care because other things in their life are more important that you. Alternatively you’ll become so desensitized to tripping in public that you won’t have a clue you managed to do it at all, which is a default position anyway…

2. The ‘Swoon’

I feel this one may come under the heading of wishful thinking, but it can be very useful for those occasions where your lack of conscious foot placement is alcohol related. By feigning a Jane Austen style bout of dizziness, fingers crossed there will be your very own Mr Darcy (or Heathcliff depending on your preference) waiting to catch you/support you and gently return you to your feet. N.B. make sure someone is legitimately likely to catch you, otherwise this could get severely more embarrassing that originally intended. I speak from (alcohol related) experience.

3. And lunge…

Now whether this one actually leaves you with any dignity is questionable, but done correctly you definitely look graceful and flexible. As that leg that has just failed you comes up higher than intended, hyper extend and drop into an athletic lunge stretch. If you happen to be in athletic kit you’ll look super keen, if not then just blag your way through an explanation of some sporting activity you need to limber up for. Just don’t injure yourself.

4. Did I drop something?

Of them all, this is the most challenging technique – mainly because timing and coincidence is key. On the proviso that no one is directly behind you, otherwise you’ll look like you’re performing a reenactment of the ‘Blurred Lines’ video, following your stumble forward instantly scrutinize the ground for something you may have dropped…earring, credit card, pen, dignity. Should you go the whole hog and actually fall, try to position yourself onto one knee and refasten that shoelace, hoping of course you have them…

5. Spring in Your Step

Best used for those sideways stumbles off treacherous curbs. Yes, we’ve all done it, you know the feeling well – that excruciating agony in your ankle that you unsuccessfully try to hobble through. Well, by quickly turning that awkward sideways shuffle into a bit of a hop, skip and jump not only will you look like a genuinely happy person, but you’ll also shake out that pain. Win, win.

In the realization that I will look like a complete prat in most of these situations, please feel free to send any further suggestions my way. And if you see a spritely blonde stumbling nonchalantly through the cobbles of St Andrews in a pair of Dr Martens, I promise it’s not me.