Rough Reviews: Bitchin’ Kitchen

Well, here we all are again for round 600. I’ve been on my knees and smacked with breeches by our lovely principal (an experience the likes of which I’ve paid good money for in the past) and am now a PhD student. I’ve not really started yet, so I currently spend my time tweeting shit puns and looking for fivers in the Tesco self-service machines. However, this week I have been given a purpose: to research the latest addition to our league of bubble cafés!

Nestling itself into Logies Lane, Cottage Kitchen is a family-friendly caff that isn’t quirky, posh, hipster or overly-stylised. As the name suggests, it’s simply a cosy place to have lunch and a chat, and has indeed gratifyingly taken the ‘kitsch’ out of ‘kitchen’. I think that bit sounds really professional. If anyone from The Saint is reading I’ll be happy to negotiate a contract. Ed- Thanks Daniel, we feel special.

Let’s start with food. I ordered chicken and ham broth from the specials menu. Honestly, I never thought I’d combine pork with poultry, but then pigs will fly! *Sound of barrel being scraped*. Anyway, their standard lunch menu also had a variety of salads, ciabattas, pasta and the like, as well as some lush cakes and scones. I calmly resisted the lure of baked niceties by jamming a pen into my thigh repeatedly, and ordered a large Americano.

Soup can be a let-down, which you’ll know if you’ve ever opened up a can of Heinz and found yourself drinking a bowl of hot chicken milkshake, but my broth was delicious and comforting. In fact, if I closed my eyes it was like being back at home. Anyway, this broth was chunky, satisfying, and had a nice big wedge of soda bread on the side for dunking with some butter. Soda bread is bloody marvellous by the way. It’s thick, dense and doesn’t fall apart like a tissue in your soup. Flour power!

Now, my pet café hate is those pompous, pissy little teacups designed for the aristocracy. You can almost feel them cringing as you put your peasant lips towards them (Sadly also true of the waitress, it’s been a dry year for me. A dry, dry year.).  However, I jest thee not, this was the finest mug I have ever been given in a café. It was like a porcelain stein of glory, and had chocolate Labradors painted on it. A large, friendly mug decorated with large, friendly animals. Lovely! I just needed my dressing gown and a David Attenborough documentary and I’d have melted in relaxation.

My service experience in other St. A joints has been all shades from ‘genuinely happy to serve you’ to ‘fantasising about wiping his arse on your croissant’ (Costa, if you’re interested). Fortunately the two guys I was served by were very much in the former category. It really makes a difference, and I didn’t feel at all self-conscious about my table manners. I only warmed one of my feet in the soup, though. You should never push the civility of your host.

I really have nothing more to add. Good food, coffee, service and atmosphere. Depending on what time you get there the seats might be scarce, but it’s worth the wait, so don’t go ditchin’ the kitchen!