Library Lunchin’: Café 1413

The man who was gave us top tips on Taste, the news about North Point and the scene at the Bean has gone where no food-and-drink reviewer worth his proverbial salt has been before: Café 1413. 

Hello! Here I am, back from what seems like quite a long hiatus. Unfortunately, living at the end of Market Street means I walk up and down it a lot, so I’ve ended up buying 8 Big Issues a day for the past few months (I just can’t say no to women). This took its toll on my student loan, so I’ve resorted to making my own sandwiches. You can save a lot of money by making your own bread too, if you knead the dough!

Anyway, I’m now rich again, so I thought I’d take my custom to Café 1413, the feeding ground of the stressed library hermit. I’m no stranger to the library myself. I’m a 4th year and therefore entitled to be here. I also like to smuggle the Guardian out under my jumper. Sorry about that.

It’s a busy place, as one would expect in a mid-semester library. I almost thought I’d have to book a table! Enough library puns now, I don’t want to overdue it. So, lunch. I went for the chicken Caesar salad for its high protein content (Yeah bro, I lift), and also because I can make a great joke out of salads. So, lettuce carry on with the review. (See?) After ordering my standard Americano, I stood staring blankly at the nice young man at the till, until I realised that I would have to position the cup underneath the machine and press the button myself. The indignity! Still, years of watching Bear Grylls documentaries had prepared me for a situations like this, so I coped. £4 in all for salad n’ coffee. Not too shabby.

Lunch in hand, I settled down for a good session with the smuggled cryptic crossword:

1 Across: Spooner’s Awful misty weather? Hearth’s the place for one to be.

Shit. Never mind. I’m here to do a review, which will require my full concentration. I don’t have time for such frivolities. I was pleased to see my salad came from ‘Urban Eat’, so I was hoping it would be comparable to the excellent standard of Caesar salad one can find in The Wire. Sadly not. The poultry was paltry and the lettuce was limp. It also had those cherry tomatoes that burst and spread tomato innards everywhere when you bite into them. Is it a fruit or a vegetable? It’s neither, it’s a fucking explosive. I must admit the dressing was tasty, but trying to get the remnants out of the pot with my tongue looked incredibly provocative so I had to stop. People were staring. How rude.

How about my coffee? Well, it was hot, black, and liquid. Like a melted Tyson Beckford. Ugh, now Google knows that I searched for ‘hot black guys’. He’s looking very dashing for 42, but that’s hardly the point. Anyway, the coffee was sadly bland and unexciting. I was disappointed.

All in all, I’m sure Café 1413 is great if you’ve got half an hour to submit your essay and are forced to stuff a panini down your gob in order to stay alive while doing so. Otherwise, get out, the fresh air will do you good. And get some fresh food and fresh coffee while you’re at it. Love and kisses. 

images  © Lauren Hepburn, Tyson image  © angelfire.com