Why St Andrews needs a zombie protection Plan

So St Andrews is in the news again, and we’ve been git ah slaggin’ over our intake of students from more disadvantaged backgrounds. Sadly, yet again, the real issue facing St Andrews is ignored: the lack of a Zombie Survival Plan. For some reason people always tend to focus on nonsense like affordable accommodation. Fuck accommodation – if we don’t have adequate protection from zombies then the only place you’ll be living is in the stomachs of the undead. Actually, that does sound better than living in Fife Park for 6 months. Still, priorities, peopooole!

Other universities are making plans. The University of Florida for example has an emergency document entitled ‘ZOMBIE ATTACK: Disaster Preparedness Simulation Exercise’, which clearly details the university’s contingency plan for the inevitable remake of 28 Days Later. This time fo’ real. As far as I’m aware, no British university has developed a plan yet, but this could work in our favour. For too long has St Andrews sat in the shadow of Oxbridge, content with our third place position in the Guardian’s league table.

However, if, when the zombie apocalypse occurs, we’re more prepared than our rivals we can ride it out with serious success. I doubt those Oxbridge dons will be quite as knowledgeable when their brains have been devoured by ravenous hordes. But while this happens, our esteemed professors will be safe and sound, ready to bring home those lucrative research projects. Louise Richardson, if you’re reading this, I’ll spell it out for you – if you help make our university zombie-proof, you’ll be the Principal of the best university in the country.

But while I have extensively described the problem we face, we need solutions. In the absence of any strong leadership from our representatives, I’ve decided to develop a rough guide safeguarding St Andrews safe from zombies.

The main thing we need to make ourselves safe is an early warning system to give us time to prepare for the attack. It is generally accepted by scholars of zombies that the undead cannot run, and this gives us time if we react fast, but unfortunately not everybody will survive. Luckily St Andrews has a significant ‘buffer zone’ (or, from the point of view of the zombies, ‘buffet zone’) filled with Freshers, who can be sacrificed in an emergency. I’ve taken the liberty to draw a map of where the safe zone should be.

As you can see, the safe zone contains all the important locations in St Andrews (the library, the Union, my house). The screaming caused by the zombies’ journey through DRA, Albany and the Badlands will let the us know they have arrived and then roadblocks can be set up. Admittedly, this will condemn the majority of students to a brutal and grizzly death, but their heroism will not be forgotten. We’ll engrave their names on a plaque in the library or something. Initial defences should hold the zombie hordes long enough for those lucky/rich enough to live in the centre of town to run to a more secure place. Here are a number of vital locations the survivors should go to:

The library: I began this article complaining about the lack of zombie protection provided, but on reflection I may have been too hasty in my criticism. I am, of course, referring to the barriers in the library. Why were they put there? No-one knows. Why would a library need a set of barriers that makes it impossible to enter? Well, maybe they were installed as a defensive measure against zombies.* After all, if well-educated students can’t operate the fuckers, I doubt the zombies can.

The Union: Everybody who has seen Shaun of the Dead knows that a good pub is vital to surviving the zombie apocalypse. Well, our Union has everything you need – Tennents, an overpriced vending machine, and the godawful tunes played at the Bop to deter the zombies from attacking. Plus, it just won an award for having “the highest standards in safety”. Again, the university has made a good start in creating anti-zombie zones, but it’s not quite up to par yet.

The Lizard: Might not be the obvious place to go, but any poor zombie that enters the door would soon find itself being grinded on by a randy drunk. No self-respecting member of the zombie community would be seen dead there.

* To test this hypothesis I asked one of the assistants at the library, and she looked at me like I was deranged before quickly walking away. Her actions quite obviously betray the fact that she knows I’m on to something.

Headline image: www.underthegunreview.net