X Factor Live, week 5: Yes, we’re still watching X Factor

You would think that, after all the weak acts have been weeded out and humiliated on national television, the competition would be getting fierce. The X Factor doesn’t work that way. As the contestants fall by the wayside—until they make their obligatory appearance on Big Brother—performances become even more forgettable.

The only acts I had any interest in were James and Lucy. However, after missing last week’s show due to illness, Lucy withdrew from the competition. Without her quirky songwriting skills, the competition totally lacked humour.

Rylan is normally the one who tries to force the audience to have fun, but a joke is only amusing the first few times you hear it. Apparently five weeks is my limit. The theme this week was ‘number ones’, and he sang a Madonna/ABBA mashup, the campest (and least entertaining) song choice in weeks. His act relies on the so-bad-it’s-good factor, and now he doesn’t even have that to fall back on. I suspect his days are numbered.

I was more disappointed by the serious acts, who are now just an indistinguishable, talentless mass. Despite receiving glowing comments from the judges, Ella failed to hit the high notes of Katy Perry’s ‘Firework’. Even Jahmene and his creepy giggle weren’t up to scratch. He sang Beyonce’s song ‘Listen’, which was never a number one. Although he gave an adequate performance, he ain’t no Beyonce. If he was happy to disregard the theme, I would have preferred to see him perform ‘Single Ladies’.

For the fifth week in a row, James Arthur won my vote (if I had bothered to vote). The acts had a masterclass with No Doubt members Tony Kanal and Gwen “I can’t believe she’s 43” Stefani. He took on No Doubt’s hit song ‘Don’t Speak’; one of my personal favourites. His gravelly voice gave the song more darkness than the original, and even managed to win over the band. His performance was a highlight in an unbearably average night.

The two weakest singers in the competition, Rylan and Kye, found themselves in the bottom two. Both acts gave strong performances in the eleventh hour, but not enough to erase their dismal record thus far. For the fourth time in five weeks the judges took the vote to deadlock, earning them the reputation as some of the most indecisive people in history. Kye was sent home, with only his guy-liner and his Jedward quiff for comfort.