X Factor Judges’ Houses and Final Results

I imagine most of you go outside and talk to real people on Saturday nights, so I’m here to catch you up on your guilty pleasure, The X Factor, as it reaches the Judges’ Houses stage.

Louis Walsh and Sharon Osbourne took the Groups to Vegas, the only place on earth where their botoxed faces don’t stand out. After the acts pretended to be thrilled at having the ever irrelevant Louis managing their careers, the performances kicked off with Times Red, Abercrombie models who tried to blind the judges with their rock hard abs.

Representin’ the urban scene (I promise not to say that again) were MK1 and Mitsotu, who tried to add a “twist”, basically meaning they chucked in some rapping. After a few forgettable performances, One Direction clones GMD3 and Union J took the floor, making me feel like a pervert for finding them cute. Louis chose the two boybands and MK1 to go through, with Times Red as his wild card. It’ll be a Battle of the Boybands, hopefully with a Hunger Games style finale.

After spending weeks perfecting her “I’m so emotional” face, Nicole Scherzinger took Ne Yo and the boys to Dubai. The first act who earned Nicole’s serious face was James Arthur, my favourite. It’s safe to say that he rocked it, proving I’m already a better judge than Nicole. Adam, Rylan and Jahmene committed the cardinal sin of taking a fast song and turning it into a soppy ballad. Adam’s menacing interpretation of ABBA’s ‘S.O.S’ worked surprisingly well, and whining Jahmene banished his nerves to give a solid performance. Rylan wore an outfit which was half Kylie, half burqa, and gave a terrible performance of ‘We Found Love’. Nicole was obviously intimidated by Adam’s stare and chose him as her wildcard, with James, Rylan and Jahmene completing her group.

Tulisa, Queen of the Chavs, took Tinie Tempah and the girls to St Lucia. Single mother Jade Ellis kicked off the sob stories by bringing up her daughter every five seconds, followed by Jade Collins and Amy moaning about their council estate backgrounds. Apparently no-one from a council estate has ever released a song before. Fan favourite Lucy normally talks rather than sings, but her version of ‘I Will Always Love You’ was surprisingly original. Ella closed the round with ‘I Won’t Give Up’, causing Tinie Tempah to shake his head a lot. That must be a good sign, as Tulisa put her through along with Jade Ellis and Lucy, with Amy as her wildcard.

Gary Barlow seems to have given up hope of an Over 28s victory already, taking his acts to a less than exotic English stately home with Cheryl Cole. The best hope this year is Carolynne, who has a chronic case of oversharing but looks like an older Cheryl. Kye, another frontrunner, is a mediocre performer—but as the youngest and least ugly in his category, all he had to do was turn up and avoid kicking someone in the face. Gary’s acts were the biggest sinners when it came to unnecessary acoustic re-arrangements, with Nicola doing ‘Steps’ and Brad singing ‘The Final Countdown’. Luckily Christopher and Melanie stuck to appropriate ballads for their age, and gave decent performances. Gary put through Kye (surprise, surprise), Carolynne and Melanie, with Christopher as his wildcard.