The best meal in St Andrews

Let me start off by saying I am a food snob. A raging food snob. I come from a magical place (St. Louis, USA), where one can find amazing food at cheap prices. This is probably because St. Louis is so boring that no one wants to live there, thus rents are cheap and we have nothing else to do but eat #fattestcountryintheworld. I come from the land of two dollar pork cheek tacos, five dollar bibimbap and cheap burritos, which are the size of small children. 

My upbringing gave me certain expectations of food, both in price and quality, which I will now force upon our quaint little town. I’m going to use these expectations, however, to do some good. I’m going to let you guys and gals in on a little secret: the best meal in St Andrews. 

Trust me when I say that I do not award this title lightly. This decision has only been made after literally years of deliberation, lunch dates and tummy grumbling. My criteria is the only one that matters: satisfaction for price. 

I use this non-specific term, ‘satisfaction’, on purpose. Food attacks the senses. It explodes across the line between functional need and aesthetic desire. It is art fueled by necessity rather than just pleasure. Satisfaction is the aggregate joy that a meal gives me, whether that is satisfying my taste buds, hunger, proud frugality, or obnoxious nutritional awareness. 

My quest for a good meal in this town has been filled with high hopes, plummeting disappointment, and genuine frustration at the huge volume of eating establishments which all serve the same, re-heated, deep fried, and mayonnaise drenched food. If I see another burger menu, panini platter, or half-thawed sausage in my full english breakfast, I think I am going to scream. It is as if the vast majority of eating establishments in this town assume that its inhabitants have the culinary awareness of some poor soul three shots too deep; too far gone to identify anything more complex than ‘cheese,’ ‘pork,’ or ‘vinegar.’ It’s as if they think we don’t care. Well I do care. I do care, dammit.  

On the other hand, any place brave enough to venture away from the panini, burger, and pizza menu (pb&p for short), thinks it so ingenious that they feel justified in charging extortionate prices for poor quality and teensy portions. Overcooked pasta with some plum sauce on it does not count as noodles. Don’t even talk to me about Butler’s: a £5 snack. My 50 kilogram girlfriend would need to eat four of those just to make it through to dinner time. And almost all of our ‘ethnic‘ food is only good enough to ‘fool the Westerners.’ Take an Asian person to The Dining Room and see what happens. The fact that The Grill House is considered ‘mexican food‘ makes me tear up a little.     

This leads me to the best meal in St. Andrews (drumroll…): the Boots meal deal. I have walked out of Boots with literally eleven pounds worth of food for their flat price of £3.29. A triple sandwich, Trek bar, and a Naked Juice. The meal is filling and nutritionally sound. I am not saying that this is the tastiest meal in St. Andrews. I am not saying this is the cheapest meal in St Andrews. I am saying it is the most satisfying one.

Trust me, I hate the fact that I just declared a meal deal from a pharmacy the best meal in St Andrews – a meal that is not even prepared here. But frankly, what I can only deduce as the socially engrained low expectations for food in this town, and I’m beginning to think in this country, have forced my hand. 

Honestly, if you really want to eat well and affordably, you should never eat a meal outside of your kitchen. But if, like me, you sometimes find yourself hungry on Market street, I would suggest Boots. 

Just don’t take the last Naked Juice; I will find you, à la Liam Neeson, if you take the last Naked Juice.  

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Photo ©Anna Gudnason